Loyalty

Continuing on in my values theme, today I'm writing brutally honestly about loyalty and why it is one of the values that rests at the core of who I am. It informs my relationships both past and present and helps me to be aware of the people I'm inviting and disinviting into my life.

Eight people can fit around a hospital bed: a concept we discussed in Maui with Bob Goff (and gosh I know I've talked about him a lot, but hey - he talked a lot and I pilfered those conversations for writing inspiration). If there will be eight people around you when you are dying - who will those eight be? And as far as now is concerned, invest your relational energy into those eight people.

Loyalty is probably the value that has caused the most boat-rocking in my life. There was a time I felt very misunderstood as I tried to center this value and learn how to let it inform me. I got a lot of flack for being dismissive with relationships and for that I felt frustrated. I didn't know how to communicate the importance of this value and in turn, I think my decisions came off as nonchalant. Conversely, I knew how long or how much I had agonized or thought about these choices. I also knew that at the heart of these decisions was this fierce loyalty - both a desire to give it and for it to be given back to me.

When I think about my values, I think about how my "eight" really represent them in different ways. Of course, there are members of my eight who challenge my comfort levels regarding these values on a daily basis. Good Lord, my husband challenges my cleanliness value constantly. But it's something we are forced to work through and in turn, we grow.

Proverbs 3:3 says, "Don't lose your grip on Love and Loyalty. Tie them around your neck; carve their initials on your heart. Earn a reputation for living well in God's eyes and the eyes of the people."

This is where my loyalty gets tricky. We're called to loyalty and love. Sometimes, those don't fit together for me. Once you've dismissed loyalty in my mini circle of trust with you, I am pretty done. As I get older and with the help of my eight, I am learning to let that "done" look a little different. There have only been two relationships in my entire life that I have had to work to rebuild due to differing opinions on what loyalty looks like that I have a genuine pain over - and that is within the confines of my own family.

Rebuilding is hard for me in this context of disrupted loyalty, as in my head & heart - loyalty represents unwavering trust and safety. When there is a blip on the loyalty radar in any of my relationships, I have this need to assess the damage and determine next steps. I have never been the person who has a million friends. I have no interest in petty relationships and don't click well with people who are interested in such. When there is a lack of regret or a disagreement on what loyalty means, I tend to do the slow swim back away as if I can't trust or feel safe in the relationship - I tap out.

So as I work on Joy 3.0 (my next best version of myself), I'm thinking about what it means to incorporate love into broken loyalties. I have arrived at certain destinations in my life - the one where I feel comfortable and secure in severing certain relational ties.  Joy 3.0 is still fiercely loyal, I would just love to learn how to exit (when there is the need) with more grace and confidence; learning that I can still love at a distance, while also not allowing myself to free dive back into unsafe waters.

Values

Before our trip, my parents sent each of us this book and asked that we read it before leaving for Hawaii. To be honest, it was hard for me to get through the book. I guess the best way to describe my feelings for it would be simply put as "just not my style". But after having these chats in Hawaii with my parents leading them, I felt I understood the heart behind the request more.

My dad had asked that we complete a list of our values. The book encouraged us to do this as well - with the idea being that you complete this list of values thinking of "what appeals to you without thoughts of what SHOULD appeal to you."

Hearing the go around (where people shared their list of values) really made people make so much more sense. In a huge family like ours, it's easy to feel pretty confused about some others' intentions/actions and when we heard each other's values, I think it explained a lot about the ways we live, spend our money, or interact with others.

What's more, I felt like the exercise helped me make more sense out of my own patterns. And doing the exercise with my husband helped me to understand his patterns - and then of course, we understood more of the discussions that happen in our marriage.

My list is in no specific order and the values I have are deeply rooted in my history with my family + past relationships and in the things I care deeply about now.

So, be on the lookout for my values:

Responsibility
Home
Happiness
Cleanliness
Relationships
Loyalty
Generosity

Next best version, anticipation + deflation

I have a consistent issue with post-anticipation. My dad always says there are two modes in life: anticipation and reflection. If I'm being honest, reflection feels like a very idealistic word for what I feel like could be described more as deflation. Or let down. 

I get so so so excited and then so so so bummed. My biggest bout with post-anticipation blues was about a year ago after my wedding ended. I had so much anticipation and couldn't believe that this huge experience in my life was actually happening and then bam - it hit me like a ton of bricks when it was over. Even on our wedding night, staying in this amazing hotel room gifted to us at the Greenwich Hotel, I felt the sadness creeping in. It lingered on our honeymoon - that feeling of, "this is going to be over soon..." Sometimes I feel unable to push it away, and what really kills me is I can't stand when other people do it! I think I've become skilled in the art of masking; switching the channel in my brain to one that tells me to enjoy and soak instead of lament and sulk. 

 

But my feelings of dread lurk. They're waiting for me when I get back home, hug someone goodbye, or take down our Christmas tree. 

When I pull back and look at how a year typically progresses in my life - I think about how many things I have to look forward to. Yet somehow the ending of these things seems to greatly affect my anticipation for their beginnings. How do I be an enjoy-the-now person who is also goal oriented and focusing on the next better version of myself (Joy 3)?

This next better version of myself is a concept Bob Goff spoke with my family about while we were in Hawaii celebrating my parents' 40th anniversary. Bob and his wife Maria came to hang with our family and renew my parents' vows at sunset with all of us kids and our spouses and the grandkids. It was such an incredibly moving time and even though I was ugly crying through most of it, I was once again inspired by the legacy or love and commitment my parents' have lived out and encouraged in each of their kids.

As Bob spoke about the things he hopes to see in Bob 6, we thought about the things we wanted to see in our next versions. He said that while you think of the next version of yourself (which is just the next decade you will enter - 30 is my next decade, so my next version is Joy 3), you also hold hands with your eight year old self - filled with whimsy and wonder, not regarding the opinions of others as much as just holding onto an enjoyment & excitement for life. The idea being that these two versions of yourself will meld beautifully into this really whole person who is enjoying life deeply, yet consistently extending grace towards themselves while also considering how we could do things better with each go around the calendar. 

This has been helping me shift my viewpoint on pretty much everything, but particularly helps me in this context of deflation following anticipation. Joy 3 loosens the reigns on the deflation emotion and embraces meaningful reflection. 

Thank God it's ober (see what I did there? read below...)

I have always loved the end of August. To me, it represents the end of summer - my most dreaded season - and welcomes the beloved and well-missed 'bers. September, October, November, December - all such lovely months and for different reasons.

My parents have always talked about how life is lived in seasons - my marriage in particular is filled with this sort of language and reminding. A little bit ago, I was spending time with Angel and I just looked at him and felt the overwhelming gratitude towards him as my husband. Since we've been together, I've changed to much and he has seen me through some massive life changes.

The benefit of getting married on the younger side is getting to ride the waves with someone who is committed to you, while you ride the waves with them. I'm 25 and I still have a lot to learn. I will in twenty years too. But I looked at my husband, who has an incredible amount of patience and grace for me (in most areas), and told him how grateful I was that he has been secure enough to watch me change and encourage me to continue on the winding path that is a life lived well and in seasons.

If we allow ourselves, we change so much from season to season. Yesterday I thought it would be interesting to do the love languages assessment at this juncture. I've done it before a few times, and your love languages really do ten to change. I hadn't actually taken it again since we've been married, so I gave it a go and WOW have I changed!

For quick reference sake - the love languages (and mine in order) are:

1. Receiving gifts
2. Acts of service
3. Quality time
4. Physical touch 
5. Words of affirmation

It was so interesting to see that my highest numbered desires could easily be tied to the things Angel isn't as strong in. I used to be kind of judgmental towards people whose love language was gifts - I thought it seemed petty and materialistic, but now having a husband who has no idea how to give gifts, I realize how important and special that is to me. Not for the sake of getting something tangible, but for the fact that he was thinking of me when he saw something and decided to act upon that thought in an effort to bless me.

Words of affirmation used to be hands down my #1 - but Angel is so encouraging and constantly saying, texting, emailing me nice things that I see it's now at the bottom of my list. It's amazing how much your needs are influenced by the ways other people give to you.

Sway with the seasons, ya'll. It's important. 

Not small.

Living in New York, it's easy to convince yourself that you are "busy" (see post from July 16) when in reality, you're probably just living life. It takes a lot more effort to do normal things here; laundry is typically a huge time suck that necessitates leaving your home at least twice (unless you want to channel your inner Latina and watch telenovelas in Spanish while your clothes wash and dry), you are probably a 45 minute train/bus combo from your job, and if you want to cook - you probably don't have what you need since you can only fit so much in your small ass fridge.

Every once in a while, I start to get this itchy feeling. It's when I'm really grooving in a routine. Gym, work, cook, sleep, rinse, repeat. I so value a routine - I really do. But I also believe there is a thin line between routine and rut. I start to ask myself questions about what I'm really contributing to my community - or to society as a whole. I start to wonder if my job is important enough, if my marriage is strong enough, or if my friendships are loyal enough. I start to think about how much I'm doing to change the things I dislike.

In one of Paul's letters to the Corinthians he said, "Dear, dear Corinthians, I can't tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn't fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren't small, but you're living them in a small way. I'm speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!"

So I read this and I feel this echo in the expanse of my head & heart say, "NOT SMALL, NOT Small, Not small, not... small..." How do we live our lives in a big way, when we have every day limitations like frustrating jobs or no money? How do we pick up and do spontaneous things like go to Hogwarts at Universal over the weekend? How do we tip big and dole cash out to homeless people when it feels like you're not even sure how you're going to pay rent? How do we get blankets and warm clothes together to go and hand out to people who are living outside, when we just got to our warm homes and our bones ache just from being cold? It takes snappy decisions and sometimes even forcing yourself to be uncomfortable.

My issue (and maybe you have the same one at times) is sometimes I don't care about others as much as I really care about myself. Or my "stuff". I prioritize what's going on right in front of me and have a hard time seeing beyond the things I just need to get done or keep afloat. I'm grateful to be married to someone who consistently pushes me to think outside of myself and give more than I feel like I have.

Living big and not small doesn't have to mean giving away money or time. It can start with things that feel way more challenging than they probably are - like being the best version of yourself in your workplace or giving more to your marriage than you feel like you receive. Forgiving when it's easier to hold a grudge or not getting ice cream so you can save for the trip to Hogwarts. Oftentimes the hardest part for me is just saying "no" or "yes".

Man. NOT SMALL = not easy.

It's everything

I'm struck by the omniscience of God. I choose to believe in and trust this all knowing God, yet oftentimes I'm guilty of obsessive planning or thinking I hold the keys to what "better" or "best" is for my world and all that lies within it.

I look at past events and sometimes things are so aligned in this universe that it's hard to deny the care and precision in which God acts on your behalf. I think about how each opportunity has somehow led to the next opportunity. I think about crappy situations and how maybe if they weren't crappy, I wouldn't have had the wherewithal to get out of them.

Last night my husband and I did a Trader Joe's run together. Going to Trader Joe's in New York City after 5pm on a weekday is sort of like the day before Thanksgiving, every day. But in Union Square specifically, it's sort of like the day before Thanksgiving + Black Friday + the day before Christmas Eve + New Years Eve in Times Square began a polyamorous relationship and together raised a really aggressive baby that is looking for a good deal on grass fed beef.

That said, I had multiple things in the cart and Angel kept asking, "Are you SURE you don't want to go to another one?!" To be honest, I wasn't positive - but at the same time we were already there and I just wanted to get it over with.

Fast forward to walking down the steps to the train with tons of bags. I was in front of A (an off duty EMT) by one step  and all of the sudden he dropped all of the bags and yelled back to me, "Call 911!" I started dialing and looking around to see where he even went... And then I see an incredibly old man who had clearly fallen backwards and split the back of his open.

I will say, quite shamelessly too, that my husband is a badass. I actually cried a little bit watching him in his element. He just immediately got down to his knees and started doing his thing. He called out to the crowd of spectators for random supplies people might have on them and when only one person had a few napkins - he looked at me and I asked a crazy lady to watch all of our groceries and ran to CVS to get a roll of clean paper towels (as if they would typically sell them dirty..?) and Angel just did what he does best. The fallen man was a tourist and only spoke Spanish, so it was helpful that A could explain everything to him and understand what the man had to say as well. An ambulance showed up and A was calling all the shots - he collared him and bandaged the wound and got him on his way to the hospital.

After A took a shower in hand sanitizer, we got on the train with our melting groceries. And I couldn't help but flush out this reality of timing. We almost left that packed TJ's because it was so annoying. I was annoyed when we were shopping because I had to take a break to go next door to the TJ's wine store to go to the bathroom and everything felt like it was taking too long. But if our night would have been adjusted by even a second, A would have been one step further down and wouldn't have been able to see what happened and therefore wouldn't have been able to help this poor guy.

I think it's so interesting to view your life and the circumstances you're in as a season that is prepping you for the next thing. Maybe the next thing will be rough - maybe it will be awesome. But where you are is important - crucial actually - to the journey of getting to your next place. The decisions we make matter, the people we spend time with are vital, and the way we handle ourselves is key.

Word.

Busy

Confession: I'm not that busy.

You probably aren't either, let's face it. I think it's hilarious when people say, "Sorry, I've been so busy!" But when you ask them what's up - really it just boils down to their 40 hour a week job. Which makes me think that all of this business of being busy is really just a status thing and/or we really fail at God's call for us to be still and know that he is... God.

I know that in New York City, it's really important to be busy and booked. If you're available for any random meet ups, it is almost weird; "Hmm... her cat must have died...." Your Instagram feed is cooler if you're out doing things every day and the more you're out, the more money you spend. Oddly enough, people think the more money you spend - the more money you have. 

We've become so accustomed to having "things" that when we don't have "things" it feels empty and maybe for some people, sad. I would argue that we are called to make space in our lives. I think about my family, my friends, and my marriage - and how I have to make space to be available. My relationships don't exactly thrive unless I'm making way for them to do so. If I want to abide in my relationships and to experience the amazing love and nurture of friendship, family, and marriage I can't deny every call or attempt at FaceTime when my sweet nieces and nephews want to talk. I can't say, "wait, wait!", every time my husband starts talking to me while I read a book. 

There's also this busy-ness in our minds that is frustrating. For my entire childhood and adult life, my dad has been the kind of person who can't even fall asleep because his mind just won't shut down. Even if he's not physically busy at the moment, his mind just keeps going and going. He's one of the smartest guys I've ever known - so that makes sense. But his busy mind also torments him. I can imagine that it would be annoying to constantly have your mind elsewhere.

I hope I'm always challenging myself to be available to those around me. When I'm gone, I don't want  my tombstone to say, "JOY LEÓN: SHE HAD A LOT OF STUFF TO DO". I want to be remembered for how much I gave to those around me and those far from me - both in the way of time and resources. I'm going to keep my calendar clear for that stuff.