Loyalty

Continuing on in my values theme, today I'm writing brutally honestly about loyalty and why it is one of the values that rests at the core of who I am. It informs my relationships both past and present and helps me to be aware of the people I'm inviting and disinviting into my life.

Eight people can fit around a hospital bed: a concept we discussed in Maui with Bob Goff (and gosh I know I've talked about him a lot, but hey - he talked a lot and I pilfered those conversations for writing inspiration). If there will be eight people around you when you are dying - who will those eight be? And as far as now is concerned, invest your relational energy into those eight people.

Loyalty is probably the value that has caused the most boat-rocking in my life. There was a time I felt very misunderstood as I tried to center this value and learn how to let it inform me. I got a lot of flack for being dismissive with relationships and for that I felt frustrated. I didn't know how to communicate the importance of this value and in turn, I think my decisions came off as nonchalant. Conversely, I knew how long or how much I had agonized or thought about these choices. I also knew that at the heart of these decisions was this fierce loyalty - both a desire to give it and for it to be given back to me.

When I think about my values, I think about how my "eight" really represent them in different ways. Of course, there are members of my eight who challenge my comfort levels regarding these values on a daily basis. Good Lord, my husband challenges my cleanliness value constantly. But it's something we are forced to work through and in turn, we grow.

Proverbs 3:3 says, "Don't lose your grip on Love and Loyalty. Tie them around your neck; carve their initials on your heart. Earn a reputation for living well in God's eyes and the eyes of the people."

This is where my loyalty gets tricky. We're called to loyalty and love. Sometimes, those don't fit together for me. Once you've dismissed loyalty in my mini circle of trust with you, I am pretty done. As I get older and with the help of my eight, I am learning to let that "done" look a little different. There have only been two relationships in my entire life that I have had to work to rebuild due to differing opinions on what loyalty looks like that I have a genuine pain over - and that is within the confines of my own family.

Rebuilding is hard for me in this context of disrupted loyalty, as in my head & heart - loyalty represents unwavering trust and safety. When there is a blip on the loyalty radar in any of my relationships, I have this need to assess the damage and determine next steps. I have never been the person who has a million friends. I have no interest in petty relationships and don't click well with people who are interested in such. When there is a lack of regret or a disagreement on what loyalty means, I tend to do the slow swim back away as if I can't trust or feel safe in the relationship - I tap out.

So as I work on Joy 3.0 (my next best version of myself), I'm thinking about what it means to incorporate love into broken loyalties. I have arrived at certain destinations in my life - the one where I feel comfortable and secure in severing certain relational ties.  Joy 3.0 is still fiercely loyal, I would just love to learn how to exit (when there is the need) with more grace and confidence; learning that I can still love at a distance, while also not allowing myself to free dive back into unsafe waters.