Not small.

Living in New York, it's easy to convince yourself that you are "busy" (see post from July 16) when in reality, you're probably just living life. It takes a lot more effort to do normal things here; laundry is typically a huge time suck that necessitates leaving your home at least twice (unless you want to channel your inner Latina and watch telenovelas in Spanish while your clothes wash and dry), you are probably a 45 minute train/bus combo from your job, and if you want to cook - you probably don't have what you need since you can only fit so much in your small ass fridge.

Every once in a while, I start to get this itchy feeling. It's when I'm really grooving in a routine. Gym, work, cook, sleep, rinse, repeat. I so value a routine - I really do. But I also believe there is a thin line between routine and rut. I start to ask myself questions about what I'm really contributing to my community - or to society as a whole. I start to wonder if my job is important enough, if my marriage is strong enough, or if my friendships are loyal enough. I start to think about how much I'm doing to change the things I dislike.

In one of Paul's letters to the Corinthians he said, "Dear, dear Corinthians, I can't tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn't fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren't small, but you're living them in a small way. I'm speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!"

So I read this and I feel this echo in the expanse of my head & heart say, "NOT SMALL, NOT Small, Not small, not... small..." How do we live our lives in a big way, when we have every day limitations like frustrating jobs or no money? How do we pick up and do spontaneous things like go to Hogwarts at Universal over the weekend? How do we tip big and dole cash out to homeless people when it feels like you're not even sure how you're going to pay rent? How do we get blankets and warm clothes together to go and hand out to people who are living outside, when we just got to our warm homes and our bones ache just from being cold? It takes snappy decisions and sometimes even forcing yourself to be uncomfortable.

My issue (and maybe you have the same one at times) is sometimes I don't care about others as much as I really care about myself. Or my "stuff". I prioritize what's going on right in front of me and have a hard time seeing beyond the things I just need to get done or keep afloat. I'm grateful to be married to someone who consistently pushes me to think outside of myself and give more than I feel like I have.

Living big and not small doesn't have to mean giving away money or time. It can start with things that feel way more challenging than they probably are - like being the best version of yourself in your workplace or giving more to your marriage than you feel like you receive. Forgiving when it's easier to hold a grudge or not getting ice cream so you can save for the trip to Hogwarts. Oftentimes the hardest part for me is just saying "no" or "yes".

Man. NOT SMALL = not easy.