my mom sent me a podcast link a couple of weeks ago and this morning i finally took a listen. the podcast is from a series at my parents' old church called sticks and stones. it really lined the dots to a trail of thinking i've been on for a while now about words and thoughts and our feelings towards all of them.
in the podcast, scott mentions a man named masaru emoto and a study he did on water crystals and their response to words - both positive and negative. if you get a second to look into it, you definitely should - it's super interesting. basically the gist is that water was put into vials and then photographed as it froze. he put one positive or negative word on each vial and then looked at the results of the ice that formed. the water in the vials that had positive words like "peace" turned into beautiful snowflake shapes, while the water in the vials that had negative words like "evil" turned into just frozen water; there's no beauty in the shape.
this is especially interesting given our bodies are about 60% water. we already know we react positively and negatively to the words and thoughts being communicated to us day in and day out - year after year. but how interesting to think that our molecules actually take a different shape in response to the communications they're receiving?
another thing scott mentions is that our words have dictionary meanings + connotative meanings, and this isn't something we necessarily pause to consider before we speak. how the words and thoughts we communicate have meanings that are general and virtually the same across the board, but then there is this entire subtext going on. the things we don't realize the other person receives when we say something. my normal request or way that i would ask anyone off the street may be done in one way, while the way i ask my husband something may be different.
this entire concept really connected to me - particularly because i'm in my first six months of marriage and learning to communicate is something i hear is really easy and we should already have down! just kidding... you don't even begin to understand all the ways your whole life before this person sleeping next to you came along has affected the ways you hear and say things.
my husband could say something and intend for it to come from a place of genuine love and kindness, but if i have feelings attached to what he mentioned - from other relationships, my childhood, my own brain/heart... then he could be in for a reaction he didn't expect.
the same goes for my family and friends... i prepare my thoughts a different way before i serve them depending upon whom i'm speaking with. and i can easily tell when i haven't prepared those thoughts. when my mouth is a loose and unfiltered canon, i pay for that in different outcomes. when i speak to my husband out of anger and frustration instead of a genuine love and desire to get to the root of the issue - it goes over so much better.
FOR EXAMPLE (and this is a long but good one):
as a blood Abare, it is in my nature to have the desire to be extremely clean - both in hygienically as well as domestically. i love a pristine toilet, water drop stain-less sinks and faucets, empty sinks with shiny countertops, vacuumed floors (wood preferably - carpet to me is like the poll on the subway) and rugs, etc... you get the idea. and then there's the hygiene side that got entirely worse upon moving to new york city. i've been here for years now but still - the thought of not washing my hands the second i walk in the door is unfathomable. i alcohol my phone every night because come on - your hands are filthy every day. i am a clean freak who washes my hands realistically about 15-20 times a day and even still there are 719,040 germs living on my phone (how do i know that? go find out). shoes cannot go past a certain point in our apartment because i see people step in dog pee and then they want to wear their shoes inside my home and i'm like GET OUT. i can't wear the same clothes on my couch that i wear in my bed because people who sit on the train come and sit on our couch. basically - i have problems.
my husband was raised in a pretty unclean environment. no one taught him how to clean or how to pick up after himself. while my mom was saying, "no - that's not good enough, i'll show you how to do it right" as we re-cleaned our toilets or sinks (thanks mom!) to be up to her code, angel was probably robbing a blockbuster. that made me laugh, but it's true.
the months following our nuptials were HARD. sometimes they still are. i would get so frustrated each time he would walk in and open the fridge before washing his hands. i would pretty much freak out and then pull out the alcohol bottle and start following him with soaked cotton balls, sanitizing everything i felt like he ruined. my responses were always so dramatic and negative. instead of being proactive and discussing it outside of the situation, i would retaliate to the problem.
after months of us arguing, i finally asked God to just start changing me. i felt like there was no hope for him changing, so i figured i would just try to work on lowering my standards so we could live together in peace. but instead of lowering my standards, i felt challenged to communicate to angel (in a loving and respectful way) how it made me feel when he didn't do the things i asked him to do in regards to cleanliness. i explained that to me, one of the main things that makes a house feel like a home is the feeling and peace that comes from it being kept very clean. it's something i value deeply, and because it's something that i've communicated that i value - when he didn't abide by those standards or make an effort to learn my expectations, i felt disrespected.
ladies and gentlemen, that changed our marriage. angel could not fathom living in a world where i felt disrespected by him. that word was huge. respect to angel is HUGE. it doesn't always mean what i would consider respect to mean, but again - connotative meanings coming into play here; our cultures and upbringings were so different. he felt like washing his hands in the first few minutes of being home was totally fine. he thought not leaving feces in the toilet was keeping the bathroom clean.
in this situation, words and the meanings that tag along with them were important. the attitude the words were spoken in was also huge. that situation really helps me to remember to calm the F down when i have a tendency to flip the F out.
speak in love and be ready to watch that love change things up.
in the podcast, scott mentions a man named masaru emoto and a study he did on water crystals and their response to words - both positive and negative. if you get a second to look into it, you definitely should - it's super interesting. basically the gist is that water was put into vials and then photographed as it froze. he put one positive or negative word on each vial and then looked at the results of the ice that formed. the water in the vials that had positive words like "peace" turned into beautiful snowflake shapes, while the water in the vials that had negative words like "evil" turned into just frozen water; there's no beauty in the shape.
this is especially interesting given our bodies are about 60% water. we already know we react positively and negatively to the words and thoughts being communicated to us day in and day out - year after year. but how interesting to think that our molecules actually take a different shape in response to the communications they're receiving?
another thing scott mentions is that our words have dictionary meanings + connotative meanings, and this isn't something we necessarily pause to consider before we speak. how the words and thoughts we communicate have meanings that are general and virtually the same across the board, but then there is this entire subtext going on. the things we don't realize the other person receives when we say something. my normal request or way that i would ask anyone off the street may be done in one way, while the way i ask my husband something may be different.
this entire concept really connected to me - particularly because i'm in my first six months of marriage and learning to communicate is something i hear is really easy and we should already have down! just kidding... you don't even begin to understand all the ways your whole life before this person sleeping next to you came along has affected the ways you hear and say things.
my husband could say something and intend for it to come from a place of genuine love and kindness, but if i have feelings attached to what he mentioned - from other relationships, my childhood, my own brain/heart... then he could be in for a reaction he didn't expect.
the same goes for my family and friends... i prepare my thoughts a different way before i serve them depending upon whom i'm speaking with. and i can easily tell when i haven't prepared those thoughts. when my mouth is a loose and unfiltered canon, i pay for that in different outcomes. when i speak to my husband out of anger and frustration instead of a genuine love and desire to get to the root of the issue - it goes over so much better.
FOR EXAMPLE (and this is a long but good one):
as a blood Abare, it is in my nature to have the desire to be extremely clean - both in hygienically as well as domestically. i love a pristine toilet, water drop stain-less sinks and faucets, empty sinks with shiny countertops, vacuumed floors (wood preferably - carpet to me is like the poll on the subway) and rugs, etc... you get the idea. and then there's the hygiene side that got entirely worse upon moving to new york city. i've been here for years now but still - the thought of not washing my hands the second i walk in the door is unfathomable. i alcohol my phone every night because come on - your hands are filthy every day. i am a clean freak who washes my hands realistically about 15-20 times a day and even still there are 719,040 germs living on my phone (how do i know that? go find out). shoes cannot go past a certain point in our apartment because i see people step in dog pee and then they want to wear their shoes inside my home and i'm like GET OUT. i can't wear the same clothes on my couch that i wear in my bed because people who sit on the train come and sit on our couch. basically - i have problems.
my husband was raised in a pretty unclean environment. no one taught him how to clean or how to pick up after himself. while my mom was saying, "no - that's not good enough, i'll show you how to do it right" as we re-cleaned our toilets or sinks (thanks mom!) to be up to her code, angel was probably robbing a blockbuster. that made me laugh, but it's true.
the months following our nuptials were HARD. sometimes they still are. i would get so frustrated each time he would walk in and open the fridge before washing his hands. i would pretty much freak out and then pull out the alcohol bottle and start following him with soaked cotton balls, sanitizing everything i felt like he ruined. my responses were always so dramatic and negative. instead of being proactive and discussing it outside of the situation, i would retaliate to the problem.
after months of us arguing, i finally asked God to just start changing me. i felt like there was no hope for him changing, so i figured i would just try to work on lowering my standards so we could live together in peace. but instead of lowering my standards, i felt challenged to communicate to angel (in a loving and respectful way) how it made me feel when he didn't do the things i asked him to do in regards to cleanliness. i explained that to me, one of the main things that makes a house feel like a home is the feeling and peace that comes from it being kept very clean. it's something i value deeply, and because it's something that i've communicated that i value - when he didn't abide by those standards or make an effort to learn my expectations, i felt disrespected.
ladies and gentlemen, that changed our marriage. angel could not fathom living in a world where i felt disrespected by him. that word was huge. respect to angel is HUGE. it doesn't always mean what i would consider respect to mean, but again - connotative meanings coming into play here; our cultures and upbringings were so different. he felt like washing his hands in the first few minutes of being home was totally fine. he thought not leaving feces in the toilet was keeping the bathroom clean.
in this situation, words and the meanings that tag along with them were important. the attitude the words were spoken in was also huge. that situation really helps me to remember to calm the F down when i have a tendency to flip the F out.
speak in love and be ready to watch that love change things up.
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