I'm sitting in Whole Foods remembering and looking ahead, feeling hopeful and like I miss the old before the new has even begun. My head & heart are reeling as this seemingly eternal summer begins to come to a close. A song I forgot about just came on my starred playlist in Spotify: "Let Your Heart Hold Fast" by Fort Atlantic.
"To believe I walk alone
Is a lie that I've been told.
So let your heart hold fast
For this soon shall pass,
Like the high tide takes the sand.
So let your heart hold fast
For this soon shall pass.
There's another hill ahead."
This season has been the culmination of my being extremely homesick, overwhelmed, trying to grapple with life issues and changes like getting married and how I feel about my body (surprisingly, they aren't really related). Like I said in my last post, I've felt inadequate in every aspect of my life and like I'm failing at relationships and have had so much anticipation to see the dates in August pass by so I could get to my September 1 marker and leave much of the anxiety behind me.
My skin has started to clear up with each passing calendar day and like with most life lessons, there are some issues sticking around - something I have sort of dreaded yet anticipated at the same time. An interesting tension, really.
Like what the heck do I think about my body? What am I supposed to think? I've never met a woman who doesn't have body issues. I care about my insides a lot more than my outsides. When I'm old I want to be able to keep up and feel good. I don't want to watch my kids from the couch, I want to play with them. I know a lot of skinny fat people. They look good but can't keep up and don't know the difference between the gym and the Jim (a double bacon cheeseburger at any diner in middle America that I just made up).
We are a country and people of mixed messages. I live on a tiny island and I feel like a supermodel in my neighborhood and then a fatass in some others. And that makes me feel really odd - like I base how I feel off the responses I get walking down the street - from the catcalling low life's on the corner who have nothing better to do than "tttsss ttttssss" as I walk by. That doesn't make any sense. I work out more days than I don't and generally eat healthy & organic foods, yet my barometer for "I'm doing a good job" is based off of how many jackasses per neighborhood make suggestive remarks?!
My fiancé is about as adoring as they come. He speaks of my beauty with a reverence that I find unsettling and knee weakening at the same time. I have five brothers and feel comfortable with some and awful with others. I spend most of my days with a 3 year old boy and a 2 year old girl - they dip and dive between "You have sort of chubby arms." and "You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen." So, that's not confusing at all.
Again, I find that the way I feel about myself - body & health is predominately determined by the way I feel others feel about me. This, I take issue with. My soul, my brain, my humor & heart - I would never allow anyone to make me feel inferior for anything my insides make up. Ever. So why do I let my body image be subject to the input of my surroundings?
Feeling comfortable in my skin is a lot easier when I am around people who feel very comfortable in theirs. And comfortable is such a weird thing, right? Because my best friends aren't necessarily like "YES I LOVE MY BODY!!" But, the honesty on the subject is something I take comfort and interest in.
I don't know that I'll ever "arrive" at a place of solution on this issue, but it sure would be nice to know that transparency, in addition to grace & acceptance, abounds.
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