I really love my name. I don't feel like it's boring or common. I really dislike it when people call me Joyce, mainly because the difference between me and Joyce is about 50 years, pounds, intensity level on the floral perfume she bathed in and shades of lipsticks until she found the "perfect peach".
Don't call me Joyce.
I like my name because it reminds me that someone knew me before I knew myself. My parents named me (isn't that usually how that goes?) and they have a story about why they named me Joy.
This season is really challenging. I feel like I'm being pulled in about one million different directions and I feel like I'm giving the people I care about the most my sloppy seconds. I tell my best friend that she's doing a really good job at learning how to be a mom to a kid who, for lack of a desire to explain all the big words to you, has issues. I tell her she's doing a good job at trying to figure out how to be a wife and mom and friend and live up to all these titles. And I believe it. She IS doing a really great job. I feel like, in this season, I'm doing a horrible job.
I'm out in Long Island for work every week, Tuesday - Friday. I'm so homesick. I'm getting married in two months. I'm trying to pack and move. I'm trying to find an apartment. I'm trying to deal with legal issues in my current apartment. I am trying to prepare myself to be a wife - what does that even mean? I'm trying to invest in my relationship with God, my fiancé, my family, my friends. The most relaxation I get is on an elliptical at the gym watching trash TV and responding to wedding emails.
I am failing. I'm tired. I am tired of crying and tired of the constant lump in my throat and the standing pools of water in my eyes. I'm tired for the people around me, who have to listen to my woes on repeat. I want to learn the balance between authenticity & shutting the frick up.
Last night, I was praying for joy in the midst of all the chaos. I realized I was asking God to infuse my name into... Me. I was reminded that my name is purposeful & necessary. My name is who I am and who I am called to be. My name is not just an expression or an attitude but a call to fulfill in my own heart.
I started trying to figure out what seeing joy in this season would look like. I think it looks like forward focus. The texts from my fiancé that just say, "we'll get through all of this." help me. The scripture verses from my mom help me. The late night texts and emails from Kara & Lydia help me. The fact that my genius of a brother is taking on way more than anyone should for the sake of making my life easier and my wedding entirely more beautiful than I ever could on my own HELPS ME. My dad, my sweet dad who is consistently trying to help us along and make life easier and more fun and footing the bill for memories... Sheesh that is amazing.
I hope I can choose a name for my kid that reminds them of what they should hold true. Good job, mom & dad.
(If I were running for mayor I would make pins for my voters that would say, "I choose Joy" and then I would break the news to them that I'm not actually running for mayor and I just want them all to choose to have joy- which would be close to impossible considering my run for office was a sham and they bought into my values system but will no longer have the hope of change in the local government)
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