back and front

my maternal grandpa died when i was twelve. i had a connection to him i think unexplainable to even me. we used to write each other letters probably two to three times a month. his shaky writing and the smell of the old paper he used to find to write on still make me close my tear-filled eyes and think of swinging with him in the hammock or crushing pop cans in his back yard.

lately i've been having a lot of dreams about him. i don't know what they mean or if they even mean anything at all, but i've taken it as a chance to learn more about him. i wrote my grandma a few weeks ago to start learning about her and to learn anything i could about my grandpa. my grandma has only exchanged one letter and so far i'm blown away by the history and heritage wrapped up in her words and just like an enchanting book, i'm dying to know what happens next. so far it's been a really heart-wrenching process that makes me feel a sort of beautiful pain over the lost chances between my paternal grandparents and i.

my dad's parents had this peculiar relational dynamic that i've never understood. they divorced when he was no longer a child, and my grandpa was remarried. my grandma and step grandma were very good friends. that baffles me.

 

 

 

the relationships in front of you and before you matter. they are subconscious and very conscious examples of how you do things now in whatever situation you're in. my parents are crazy about each other and just got back from a vacation that sounds like the most fun i've never had. i want that. we knew a man who was respected in his leadership role and was married with kids and then ended up making mistakes with his secretary. i don't want that.

my aunt julie (a writer extraordinaire who pushes me to be better and better) said in one of her blogs:

After 33 years of marriage, I am no longer madly in love. Each day I say, “I do.” I love my husband John madly and joyfully. And, he adores me. He loves me differently than I love him or I love me. Yes, finally, after all these years, I love me. I have learned until we love ourselves, we can’t really love others well, but in trying to love others well we learn to love ourselves. It’s a great heart mystery I’m no longer trying to solve, just trying to live and love fully into.

that made me cry. because some days, and then i guess eventually some seasons, you aren't madly in love anymore. you're making decisions. and right now, i'm making decisions too. they're not always the ones i want, but they feel important. and figuring out what's important will help a lot in that process. and learning to love myself will affect every aspect of who i am as an individual and who i am as apart of a couple.

my grandma's letter made me cry too. because she talked about how much my grandpa loved helping people. how kind and generous he was, and how they never had any money. but you know what the next line she wrote was? we never wanted for anything.

and that's what i want. i could be living in the red, as long as i'm loving in the black.