road trip

there's something so scholarly about new york city in autumn; open books everywhere & big glasses taking over small framed faces in a train car near you. every long once in a while when i see a cute girl with a nose ring and big fluffy scarf and messy pony tail (probably because she just didn't have time with all that homework) reading a book on women's psychology - i find myself feeling like, "hmm... forced learning..." but then i see my boyfriend's piles of homework and get the rash i always get when i think about actually going to school again.

fall always wraps me in a contemplative breeze that urges me to ponder the shallowest and deepest of complexities in our hearts and minds. i've come to some conclusions based off of my own and my best friends' anxieties and joys lately...

broken hearts aren't so bad. anais nin is my girl when it comes to pain & love and wisdom on the topics:

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” 

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” 

so i've gotta remind my girls of this. because i've not just been heartbroken by males. in fact, the ratio of women to men heartbreak in my life is about 5:1. women are wonderful and just plain horrible all wrapped in one. mix your soil with the wonderful ones, and weed out the latter. sometimes i say things like "keep your guard up", but i realized this morning that what i actually mean is keep it all the way down. allow yourself the possibility of being heartbroken because in that you will start to piece together the puzzle of who you are and it is liberating and painful and terrible and incredible.

comparison is a son of a motherless goat and a red-bowed package at your doorstep. for instance looking at the state of my heart three years ago today and comparing it to my heart right now - holy, holy.

so have some foresight. even if it's just to later on today. see the places your heart and experiences and chances given to others are taking you. they're usually pretty cool, but every once in a while you'll stumble upon a new mexico or a oklahoma. it'll be ugly and feel like the drive through shades of brown is eternal, but eventually - you'll make it to california or new york. where oceans & mountains and tall buildings & diversity display beauty in every square foot.