being 101 and wise.

back in august there was a vogue issue about notable women. i couldn't stop myself from picking it up and reading through bel kaufman's story. she's 101 years old and a former writer and teacher who immigrated to the united states when she was twelve. i loved what she had to say:

“I’ve lived a long time, a very long time, 101 years, and I’m still here. I’m done with the doubts and struggles and insecurities of youth. I’m finished with loss and guilt and regret. I'm very old, and nothing is expected of me.”

i really don't want to wait until i'm 101 to be done with doubts/struggles/insecurities/loss/guilt/regret. i'm twenty-two and logically that doesn't even seem like an aged enough heart to have regrets. but i do. and it's our nature to struggle with insecurity and all of the aforementioned. it's like when adam & even were chilling all naked in the garden, loving life and then they ate the apple and all of the sudden were aware of their nudity and as they were searching around for something to cover themselves up with, God was like, "who the heck told you you were naked?"

loss. regret. guilt. turned into insecurity. the way God didn't design us to be is how we are. that alone is a huge struggle for me. a relationship with God is like a constant swimming against the current. trying to get back to the place of naked beauty he designed us for. but caught up literally in clothes and technology and cutting remarks and dawson's creek (what's wrong with me?).

a huge component in my following God is the constant admission of my weakness versus his strength. mumford & sons just came out with a super long song that i like some parts to (just kidding guys, it's an album - but a lot of the songs sound the exact same to me). anyways, one of the songs says, "your strength just makes me feel less strong." if i sang that to God, he'd be like, "sweet, just what i intended."

another way i find myself a little less exhausted by the upstream battle is hooking arms with people who are just good (for lack of a better word). people that wanna swim with you, and not just float. oftentimes i sit in my living room (one of my favorite places on earth) and feel the connectedness of people and things. those are good moments. the kind where you stop to thank a very busy, but never too busy for you, God for the overwhelmingly loving goodness that is the essence of his heart for us.

living is fun. (i've said it a million times before, but just want you guys to know i still think it)