black mama Jesus

'search me, o God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.' psalm 139:23

it's so awesome to be able to pray this from the depths of my heart. i can honestly say there has never been a time prior to this season in my life where i felt like i could truly pray this prayer and really desire it.

asking God for things is a risky little business. so for years, i just didn't. well, i asked him to bless what i had going. i asked him to give me peace about things i felt were fine. but i would never ask God to really know my heart - to really test me. if there's one thing i've discovered being in a relationship with Jesus is his voice booming like a black mama in my head saying, "don't you try me!" and knowing i wasn't in a place to be tried myself, i wasn't about to ask God to really shake me up.

well, i still hadn't asked him to do that - to test and know me. someone else had to do it for me. and in that i've been hurt. but i've also been kicked in the butt. something that needed to happen.

there is literally nothing holding me back from asking God to test me and know me. i can't describe to you how freeing that is. and no matter who comes into my life or what gets tossed my way, i plan to not let this freedom go. go ahead and try to pry it from my kung fu grip.

ya can't, sucka.