want vs. need

'when you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives...' james 4:3

although this challenges me to really seek my heart and the Lord's intentions for me and my decisions, it also makes me want to flip through the pages of my past and try to figure out which things in my life were being asked for without great intentions. which is good if i'm trying to learn from the mistakes made, but most times it just fills my heart with regret - something i know the Lord most definitely does not desire for me.

yesterday i heard a great message on needs and wants. in my notes i wrote a question that kind of makes me cringe: what wants do i have that are so deeply rooted and powerful that they could eventually turn into needs that i seek out of desperation?

to go along with what seemed to be the topic of the weekend, i'll use a husband or wife as an example. i believe 100% that people who are desperately seeking a spouse will more than likely not have one. unfortunately my experience with God is this: when i want something so badly, but haven't really lost myself in Him first - i get it taken away.

it was a complete coincidence that i was ever in a relationship to start with - why? because i wasn't looking for it. i was so content with who i was, where i was, who i was with... a boyfriend wasn't really at the top of my list and i truly enjoyed my relationship with the Lord. well, a girlfriend i became and over time, i realized i wanted that boy more than i wanted anything/anyone else. what happens? i get it taken away. my want became a need. it started out pure and simple and awesome, and turned into a destructive idol. did i see it at the time? maybe sometimes. but apart of something becoming a need in your life is just that - you think you need it to be whole.

'.. do you not think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?' james 4:5

so what have i learned you ask? to be fully immersed in a God who is an endless pursuit for every piece of me - and to stay that way. boyfriend or not. husband or not. kids or not. job or not. friends or not. bed or not.

how can i not when he envies me intensely?