these are my confessions

i read something once by a guy named clayton king. i don't know much about him besides that he speaks at conservative christian universities, so there's probably not much else he could say that i'd agree with - but hey, this seemed profound in a beautiful sort of way. or beautiful in a profound sort of way.

love has little to do with how we feel and everything to do with self-sacrifice and keeping promises.

i used to know someone who refused to make promises. they had some PTSD from some serious promise-breaking and most times, their refusal made sense to me. but a lot of times, i felt like they were missing out on what it means to love and in turn, live. despite good reasons and honorable intentions, love's full potential wasn't met; on the giving or receiving end.

i'm in love with someone, but i don't wrap up every single day feeling head-over-heels. and ask him - neither does he! there are some days that i close my eyes and say, "this is hard work." there are some days where i remember how easy and fun it was to be single and how i never had to consider anyone else in my decisions. actually one night when i felt that sort of exhaustion, i jotted this down: growth takes time and love. patience and peace. grace that doesn't make sense. joy that sees its way through pain. Jesus. a faithful friend or three. belief. and a sunken in knowledge that love wins and WE are worth it. 

but - everyday is filled with a really stunning knowledge that what's happening here is important. the fact that i've had the opportunity to fall for someone who deals with me in love and in grace and follows through with promises and respects my decisions while being strong enough to respect his own, makes me feel undeserving but consistently... happy.

promises aren't so hard to make when you believe in them yourself. i feel like i have that one sort of under control. self-sacrifice - now there's my problem. i don't like giving up my time. my brain energy. my peace. i can give my money any day, above all of these things.

when you're gardening, people, surround yourself with people who can deal with you in grace. people whose promises you can trust, and people you can promise things to. follow through, it's not so bad.