leather jacket Jesus

i got "testimonies" on my mind. weird, because they're the darndest thing. i used to always feel like i fell into some useless wasteland category of Christians who grew up in a believing household and was sort of grandfathered into the faith. i would hear the testimonies of my parents' and other people - sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll and think that somehow they found this gritty, sexier version of Jesus that i would never know. leather jacket Jesus.

one of my dad's friends told me that not having a story is sometimes a better story than having a bunch of muck in it. but i didn't really buy it, even if he may be right. i felt like i wouldn't have any real experience to connect with people on. a non-alcoholic, non-drug-abuser, virgin girl from the midwest - that's not a story, that's a miracle! just kidding. a lil' bit.

my parents were highly encouraging of us developing our own relationships with Jesus. so i was highly interested in this personal, you talk/i talk/you listen/i listen dynamic with someone i couldn't see (believing in God is so weird). but it always felt one-way to me. it wasn't a dynamic as much as it was a continued version of what i saw older people in my immediate family to have. i wanted some kind of push-back - something to make it feel real.

but i don't think i realized how much i wanted that, until it was all said and done. i had an altercation with God at fifteen and came out of it stronger and all the more willing to believe and make my faith - my faith. but then i had a real, real big altercation with him at nineteen/twenty and that's when i found out who he was, who i was - and who we were together.

i think arguments and push-back are good for all relationships. doubt - oooh doubt. it kinda turns the string you feel like you're tightrope walking into a really sturdy bridge you can skip across.

i'm a big hater on ageism. i remember when i moved here feeling frustrated that some people didn't even want to hang out with me after they found out how old i was. i call BS. my best friends are 20, 21, 25, 29, and 30. because everyone hits that point of figuring out who they are at different times in their life. and after that initial figuring out, we're always on a ride. my own dad is still trying to figure out his story and what's next and where he is now. and he's 40! (born in 1957 - it's a weird condition). but he's a great example of having that initial Jesus-encounter and letting that shift him as much as it could at one time. and then it happens o'er, and o'er, and o'er again until - forever.

the way i see it - if you ever stop having push back with God, you need to figure out what's up. alain de botton said: 'we care about most people far too little to bother arguing with them."

this makes me scroll down my list of influencers/friends. who will i argue with? i'll keep 'em.

God, you made the cut. whew.