so tell me whatcha want, whatcha really really want

when i decided to move to new york city, i immediately started praying for great relationships. i asked God to give me a great community, but also a few key/quality friends that i could DO life with. i've had the same best friend for six years and despite life changes and moves and a marriage and la la la, we've remained tighter than tight. i wanted more of that.

i remember within the first few weeks of living here, sitting in my brother & sister-in-law's living room, crying because i still didn't have any prospects. ridiculous of me to think that those things would have happened over night, and in my head i knew that - but in my heart, i was wondering what inside of me made me leave my best friend to come to a land where it felt like i would never have another.

it wasn't long after that i started digging my toes in more and more into my neighborhood and church and holy... dang. every time i hang out with one of my friends i think "yes". just "yes". exactly what i asked for. and i really do get to DO life with them - almost all of them live in my neighborhood. what? that is crazy. i know.

what happens to you when you doubt God? in my case, it usually looks like this:

• i doubt God
• God says, "you are stupid." in a very God-ish way
• God laughs at me and then shows me why i shouldn't doubt him and calls me ridiculous
• i say, "duh." and then wonder why i ever doubted him in the first place

rinse & repeat like every week.

i just think that we need to be careful. because God isn't a genie in a bottle. he's a smart & merciful dad who knows what we need versus what we think we need. so when you sit around asking for a husband, but can't quite figure out how to love God and the people around you well - he's probably not going to give you the responsibility of a marriage yet. or ever. or when you sit around asking for a ping pong table, but your arms were amputated some years ago - he probably just sees that you're secretly asking for new arms and doesn't like that you're playing games with him.

that last one was theologically, socially, and intellectually inappropriate - i understand.

all that to say:

"faith is not the 'yes' of getting what i want, when i want it. it is the 'no' and the 'not yet'. waiting. working. walking on." - gerard kelly