let's go back to the beginning

i spent some time in seattle last week - you know, gotta munch on those niece & nephew cheeks and spoil them just a little bit. i've often talked about my unhealthy obsession with my babes, but really - it's crazy how much you can love little people that didn't even come from you. blows me away.

lately i've been walking blocks and holding babies and squishing in sand and riding trains and holding hands and singing and laughing and talking and in all of it the theme song of God's faithfulness has been playing on repeat. holding my niece and nephew is a reminder of all the things i doubted coming to fruition. i used to always think something would get in the way of big things happening in my life. like i would die before i got my license. or before i would get to see my brothers get married and have kids of their own. so when i have ava or landy in my arms i'm thinking about God's constant renewal of all things and how he goes the distance to give us things just to put a smile on our face.

 i think of the dry spells - the times when i felt like God was so distant i hardly knew who he was. and in believing that he was the one causing me so much heartache, not even wanting to really find out who he said himself to be. but i think out of shear persistence and carrying the knowledge that he really was g-o-o-d - somehow, someway - i found out that he is indeed good. too good.

being stuck in the compartmentalization season is just plain terrible. sorting all of the different aspects of your soul into shoe boxes and asking God to bless the coffee you already got a brewin' doesn't work and limits the most creative guy we could ever know to our own boring ambitions and sort of tells him, "beige." when he's thinking, "rainbow."

i always felt like God flipped me the bird when it came to my plans. and walking in the creativity of a standing invitation to Jesus and his direction in my heart, i must say that's one middle finger i don't mind getting. i can't even remember the last time i asked God what his will for my life was because i feel like i'm in the middle of it, and i'm in a constant conversation that includes direction giving and watering and cutting and pulling back and how many more weird analogies do you want me to try and create a list out of?

i loved asking ava: "ava g who's auntie joy?" and she would do the double pointed "gotcha" fingers to my face. and then i would ask her: "who's ava?" and she would get this look of pride and point to herself. and i thought - there's something to that; someone being able to ask who you are and you just smiling and pointing to yourself. there's something to not welcoming insecurity into your story. and there's something beautiful about knowing yourself, knowing God, and loving both.