can't? won't.

i'm beginning to realize that most can'ts mean won'ts.

as i prepare to make the big move to my beautiful city, i've had a lot of conversations with different people. one night lyds asked me how the heck i wasn't scared - because even though i know my brother and sister-in-law and have some friends there and a church i can't wait to go to, new york city is still massive and could eat me. and it might eat me... but i'm just not worried. i am excited, challenged, hopeful, curious, motivated - but scared would not be a word in my vocabulary anymore.

i told her that i think humans (but particularly women - and to go even further - christian women) do not realize how incredibly strong they are until they go through something just downright awful. for me, i had to go through some pretty just straight up sucky heartbreak. but after about six months, when you have stopped having to think about inhaling and exhaling and you can sleep through the night mostly, and you start to get good again (and this time frame can look completely different for everyone) you start to adopt this 'i can do anything' mentality that quite frankly i am crazy about.

i told her that i have seriously considered moving to italy. i do not know a single soul in italy, i have no idea if i would even be able to work legally or how to begin that process, i have no idea what part of italy, because i've never been there. so why have i considered it? because i can. i know that i could do it. despite all of the variables - i could get on a plane bound for italy and not be worried.

it's so good to feel this strength again. it's good to know that when i admit that i am weak, God shows me his power and therefore inspires me to be the strong girl he created me to be. to have this confidence back is like... sweet baby Jesus i don't know what it's like but i love it!

but see we all have this. like i said, sometimes it takes awful stuff to realize... but sometimes it doesn't. and you need to just say, 'i will do this...' don't let the 'can't' be apart of your vocabulary - because if you were to stop and really think about your life there's pretty much nothing you couldn't do. we make decisions based off of responsibility and commitments and a billion other things. and often that is good, but it doesn't change the fact that you still can. whether the reason be good or bad - you just won't. you don't. not can't.

it's exciting to know that i can pray creatively and not be afraid of the places God might take me. eventually, peace kicks most of the pain in the butt and excitement trumps fear any day.

'don't think of God in terms of forms, because forms are limited and God is unlimited.' - C.S.Lewis