promises, promises

due to the conversation going on in my church right now about 'the land', i have been thinking a lot about the spiritual and physical space i occupy as a child of God, as a friend, as a daughter, sister, teacher, etc..

last sunday jonathan was talking about 'the land' as it pertains to the delayed promises of God. this whole concept is strange to me... because i feel like in my limited view of eternity and God in general - i have a hard time understanding what a true promise of God is.

i feel like it is really easy for me to assume that the desires of my heart that seem good and pure, are the ordained promises of God to me. i hear people saying, "God has really put it on my heart to [insert any good and lovely thing here]." and i always wonder if that means that they just really want that good thing and they haven't heard the audible voice of God telling them that they shouldn't want that or do that or go to that place.

i thought that the sweet little boy that some friends who relocated their entire family to africa to be with while their adoption was finalized was a promise of God. they live in america now, and they were not able to bring that son back with them. he lived with them in africa, and now they cannot be together. i thought that the relationship i was in was a promise of God. i thought he was going to be my husband and that life would be awesome when that season came. we are not together anymore.

did God promise these things to us? or did we feel like those were good things and they seemed awesome and great - but they just weren't meant to be? and if it's the latter, why would God have even put those things in our life at all? and don't tell me to learn... because sometimes when you're in pain, you don't want to hear that.

because of the painful turn of events in both of the aforementioned situations, it's even easier for me to assume that i have an inability to hear from God. i have a heartbreaking habit of over-expecting. from movies, to songs, to concerts, to reunions, to new friends, to relationships...

and sometimes in some of those particular situations, i truly do feel like God was putting something on my heart. but when those specific things didn't happen or aren't happening - i have two ways of thinking: i can't hear God or God is mean. sounds harsh, but you'd be lying to say you've never thought God was a little mean. whether or not you truly believe that is irrelevant in this conversation.

it's taken a while, but i do believe that God is good. i believe that he truly does want what's best for me, and that pain is apart of my life because of the fall and because humans are flawed and all of that jazz.

i just don't know when he's promising me anything. and maybe i never will.