vision

my family has a new friend named charles.

charles was a cocaine addict for five or six years, and has now been clean for ten. he has all sorts of health problems that stem from his ongoing addiction, which include serious blood clots, and then from the clots, some sort of arthritis that is entirely painful for him. one of his legs lacks the ability to bend, so as you can imagine, his posture is clearly not one of comfort.

our friend has dedicated his life to Christ and could probably teach us ole' christians a few lessons in generosity and happiness.

i asked charles if he had any kids - he has three. one who is significantly older than the next two in line, who has gone on to live his own life - and two more that were just little ones when both charles and his wife were in the midst of their addiction. i believe he said their ages were then four and two. charles took these kids in himself to social services. he gave up his babies - after the youngest had just learned how to say, "daddy." he knew he couldn't love them as well as someone else could. he knew he couldn't take care of them the way someone else could. he cared so much about their lives - he loved them well enough - to give up his babies. vision.

this vision is what i seem to lack.

there's this song that mark mathis sings called 'forever grateful'. at the end he sings, "'cause we want to know your ways, and to trust them all the same."

i do want so badly to know God's plans for my future - but i have this slight fear in the back of my mind... that i might not be able to trust those plans.

maybe apart of finding out what God holds for me, is finding out how to trust him with everything that i am.