flicker

i used to think it was a terrible thing to doubt.

it was something i thought would separate me from my subject. God. i thought that if i doubted God, and certainly if i expressed this out loud, that all of the sudden God would place me at the back of the line and let someone else (who really trusted him and never wondered at his meaning or being) closer to the front. i thought that doubt was a sign of weakness. if i doubted any of my relationships, i was showing my lack of love. revealing my small amount of mistrust. and that eventually, i would be paid back for this.

'til someone opened my eyes to the greatness lying at the base of this idea. he said to me, "if you were to never question your beliefs in others or in ideas, how would you ever get to know these people/things, and ultimately be able to trust?"

ding.

as if the one dead bulb in the beautiful christmas light strand all of the sudden flickered on, so was my mind as i, for the first time, realized the power wrapped up in doubt.

i read a book (shocker, i know) last sunday night, called 'the furious longing of God' by my dad's hero brennan manning. this book has continued to remind me of the brilliance resting in God's furious passion for us.

Jesus..

i hear he's in love with me. i hear he only wants the best for me. i hear he is passionate about me.

where would i be if i just took those words and ran with them the second any person told me that?

if i weren't to question the meaning and truth behind them, wouldn't i be quite the brokenhearted girl?

i'm not brokenhearted...

anymore.