chilly upper knees

i've been listening to 'the reward' by jonathan helser a lot lately and at the beginning of the song he says, "in a garden we fell, but in a garden He prayed". this got me thinking about the beautiful antitheses of our creator and his creation. i thought about all of the times i was in the garden - falling, while he was in the same place - praying. i honestly cannot even count how many times that has been the case. i'm thankful that i can trust in someone who is the opposite of me in every way. 

lately i've been struggling to wrap my mind around adoration, and have felt very caught up in past pains and feel a little bit like it's holding me back from future fun. reminds me of a song by kris gruen that i listen to from time to time that says, 'it takes no time to begin again - just stay away from where you've been ... it takes no time to heal the past, just remember where your heart was last."

so there's all these fears that i don't know how to deem legitimate or illegitimate. i don't know what's fair or unfair to put on someone you're in a relationship with and i don't know if fair even matters. so i sort of vomit all these doubts up from time to time and all i get is a kiss to the forehead and a "take all the time you need." which makes me feel just underneath charlie sheen and kim jong il on the worst person list for not being able to get my whole body into the freezing water that's sure to enlist a hell of a lot of rewarding times.

which brings me back to opposites. i love them. i also love having the freedom to speak, and the freedom to take my time getting in the water. let's admit: once you get your vulnerables in, it's all downhill from there. i'm at a-little-higher-than-my-knees-of-the-way in. and so far the water feels pretty dang good.