don't tell me yo dreams

here are some things i really suck at:

praying
having conversations with the elderly
listening to people's dreams (mainly because i couldn't possibly care any less about something that didn't actually happen to you)
beating any of my brothers in a fight (what a defeated day in my life: realizing my little brother was stronger than me)

but let's focus on that first one. mostly because you don't need to hear about how awkward the interactions between me and someone 50+ years my senior are. instead i will tell you about how awkward [some of] my interactions with God are.

when i pray, it doesn't feel natural. it feels like i am every babbling, crazy and potentially harmful homeless person i know i shouldn't sit next to even when it's the only empty seat on the train and i'm tired. talking, talking, talking with no response. no: "mmhmm, yes and how does that make you feel?" no: "are you nuts? why would you ask me for that?" i get no reply, and as a self-proclaimed conversationalist - i sure do appreciate a real hot mic. a little feedback, if you will.

it's not that i don't believe in the power of prayer - i do. i have prayed for big things to happen, and happen they did. i'm praying for a miracle right now - and every day that miracle is getting a little bigger and bigger. i prayed for my heart to heal, and it healed. i've prayed for great jobs, and i've gotten them. i've also prayed for a lot of things that didn't happen too. and in those times i question all of it - the whole practice. us, pleading with someone we can't see for things we think we want or even know we want and nothing coming of all the asking.

so what is it? i feel so connected to God when i am worshiping. i feel connected to God on a hike or at the beach. i feel connected to God when i'm holding a sleeping baby thinking about how awesome it is that they are here, and how they got here. i feel connected to God when i'm decorating christmas cookies with my family and it is loud and we are being weird and i'm getting icing wiped on my face by my stupid brothers who i love more than life itself.

all these things leave me feeling like a string wrapped tightly 'round the big guy's finger, yet talking to him feels like something inconvenient and forced.

alas! my a-ha moment: get over it joy. i feel God tugging at my heart. somehow pushing through all of my uncomfortable feelings and saying, "you have access to me. don't waste it. so what if it's uncomfortable? it wasn't comfy doing what i did to grant you that access. so seriously, get over it."

....oh the irritating fact that everything of great worth and value is hard work. and messy. and sometimes weird feeling.