welcome, me.

as much as i can't stand those moments when someone makes a punny with my name and looks at me with those, 'i know you hear name jokes a lot, but that was clever...' expression on their face (you know the one), i must say i am guilty of doing it to myself. sometimes my name in quotes or a song just makes sense to me. so a dear friend shared this quote and i must say - it had me thinking, reminiscing, etc...:

"joy comes when we lose what we most desired and discover what we most needed." - lewis smedes

ever had a front row seat in someone's life as you watched them desert everything you knew them to be - likes, dislikes, attitude, big life decisions, small life decisions, friends...? awful, isn't it? i've been on both sides. they're equally terrible. the afterwards of my self-changing years were the worst; wrung with guilt as i listened to my best friends and family share memories that didn't include me, not because i wasn't invited, but because in my insecurity and new-ness chose to not be included.

i was a willing participant in a life and relationship i so very much desired, and when it all went away - i was left with the frustration of nemo's dad when he couldn't find nemo. how old am i you wonder? the frustration of william wallace when princess isabelle dies. too extreme you think? the frustration of harry when he's with sally at sharper image (circa 1989) and runs into his ex with another guy (he's still in love with her).

i suck at comparisons. proof: i genuinely think that shaun white is my doppleganger.

so when i lost what i desired and was forced onto that bumpy/hippie road that is self-reflection and discovery, i was pleasantly surprised to find that the things i really, truly desired were desires at the time. but - throw your hands way up in the air (t-bone) for drastic alterations in our life-pursuits and ideals.

what i most needed has come to me in the form of a pretty expensive, but gigantic and awesome apartment in the somewhat ghetto of manhattan - where i love the people with a big 'let's be friends and help each other out because we're neighbors and your kids are adorable' kind of love. a church that has changed my feelings towards the honorable reverend downs on sunday mornings. friends that make me think, laugh, and feel a unbutton the jeans on my heart kind of full.

so i guess you could say joy has come. or she is back rather. no... she has come. because (enough of that third person), i'm different. and i like it.