nin

i've been diving deeper into the diaries of anaïs nin. my God does she write the most beautifully tormented things that i resonate with so deeply. it's like she's sitting on my heart circa 2009 and writing away. sort of like adele with her '21' album.

i like to sit back every once in a while and look at my life like i look at my niece who i've known since she was but a sparkle in her daddy's eye. the unfolding of the two is exciting and new and bittersweet.

as i watch ava learn all of her new tricks and grow like a weed - i feel joy at watching her become more and more her own with her very own personality and quirks. but then i also have these awfully sad pangs of torture when each night i flip through my favorite videos and pictures of her. she lives entirely too far (she's in seattle, i'm in new york city), but thankfully she has the best mama (my sweet sister-in-law, jamie) who shares her with us by sending videos and pictures constantly and skyping on demand! i feel like jamie has a full-time job and it's sharing ava with a gigantic family sprinkled all over the country.

as i sit back and look at all God has surrounded me with - things i wouldn't have even been so creative to ask for - i am reminded of all the pain that was apart of the journey here.

i was having a conversation with my brother and sister-in-law last night about heartbreak. i was telling them that they were so blessed to have not had to experience a broken heart - but then i quickly took that back. because i think that there is something incredible about the battered heart.

and quite frankly i like having a sealed up heart. the scar reminds me of all the things i'll do differently if i'm ever in a similar situation. but it also rings out like a tried and true battle wound - and helps me connect with people who have healing hearts.

anaïs said, 'the secret of joy is the mastery of pain.' i think that there will always be surprises in my life - and i think that like the few years of life that i spent taking blow after blow, there will be more low blows. but i hope each time i can react a little bit more gracefully.