happy/responsible = probably not the same

so i've been reading the ever popular (which are two words i don't usually like to associate with any of the choices i make...) 'eat, pray, love' by elizabeth gilbert.

this may not be a smart move on my part, since i am on a plane bound for charlotte.

i would much rather be on a plane bound for italy or some other random place where i could blow four months on self-discovery... all the while eating delicious food and listening to other people speak in beautiful languages and feel absolutely no remorse for not speaking back - as i can't understand what they're saying.

the last ten days (although they have involved many sleepless nights, crying bouts on the train, and a most irritating sickness that has lasted nearly a week so far) have been lovely. it has been so nice to get out of the tiny town i live in, step back from the sucky predicament i seem to be in, and be with all of my closest friends in my favorite city.

elizabeth gilbert has this conversational style of writing that i love. she makes her thoughts easy to read and i love her vulnerability throughout the book. i'm on chapter twenty-five, and i have really enjoyed getting to know her so far. i certainly don't agree with all of the decisions she's made thus far, but there is a really cool bravery that must accompany a middle-aged, recently broken-hearted woman battling depression traveling across the world in pursuit of ... herself.

there's something she says at the beginning of the book that i deeply resonated with, and have continued to think about as i have prepared to head back "home". in chapter two - while talking about how confused she was as to how she got to this point of brokenness, alone-ness, and joyless-ness in her life, she says, "i had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life - so why did i feel like none of it resembled me?" (page eleven)

here i am heading towards this city - and much like my last post, i am just kind of at a loss. yeah, some painful decisions have been made for me, but most of my life i have been an active participant in most every situation. and now i am at this sort of internal conflict trying to decide which to choose - happiness or responsibility. because happiness in this season of my life would, i feel like, involve little responsibility.

there is a huge part of me that is shouting "run as fast as you can! you're twenty and somewhat able!" but another part says, "joy you are an idiot. just be smart and miserable like everyone else."

sometimes freedom doesn't feel so free.