immigrant

'immigrant writers, for example, often discover that their new home has more than a fair share of problems and limitations; what started as a quest for freedom produces a disillusioning awareness of restrictions and limits. one of the great themes of immigrant writing is the paradox of new losses and failures... but what if such full measure [of this new environment] involves the surrendering of much, if not all, of the identity the immigrant arrived with?' {modern period/paul lauter}

so who else kind of feels like an immigrant writer? i do. i feel like there's this big attractive/terrifying idea out there called Jesus and i just really want to know why people choose him. why the heck do i choose to stake what i've got on someone i can't hear, see, or touch?

let me just be straight up with you, because i'm so gosh darn tired of everyone beating around the bush... it's hard for me to explain Jesus to people who don't know him, because sometimes it's really hard to make Christianity sound not petrifying. i can't lie to someone and tell them that as soon as they make a decision for Christ, their life is just going to instantly become overwhelmed with feelings of worth and purpose. i can't sugar coat the God situation by saying that he makes things easier...

a friend of mine asked me a couple weeks ago, "hey - can you tell me about God? i've been going to church and trying to pray, but i feel like i want to ask you what's going on.." i told her how i felt about the Lord. i told her how my relationship with Jesus is ever evolving. i told her that sometimes it's really hard for me to believe in someone i can't feel all the time. and i told her that committing to a relationship with Jesus is hard. the commitment makes everything different, not easier.

i tried to tell her that becoming a christian does not mean completely losing yourself, but surrendering yourself. and i think that over the last weeks i've been learning this myself... for me having a relationship with the Lord has not meant making this decision to totally ditch who i was - but rather be overcome with a willingness to be who he wants me to be, and who i want to be in him.

i really like that opening quote about the immigrant writers... like immigrant writing, i believe that one of the great themes of salvation is a surrendering of one's old self or life as they know it, but it's growing accustomed to the idea of new losses and failures as well.

i am ok with saying that i failed, because it means i tried.