FF

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” - neil gaiman

i spent another weekend with my brother, and my best friend who is soon to be my sister-in-law in new york this last weekend. tending to some bridesmaidly duties like a bridal shower and writing tags for all the center pieces. i love being able to help them in any way i can. my brother is a creative nazi and makes things look incredible. their wedding will be absolutely incredible.

you know, there's nothing like witnessing love in new york city. there's something magical about it. because every where you turn there is some place or something you want to do with the person you love. every where there is a park, which makes me want to walk through and have picnics in. apartment buildings that make me want to come home. laundry mats that i wouldn't even mind going to if my husband was there with me. and every place is a chance for a special spot that no one else has.

i've been in love in new york city before. it was a blast. the brooklyn bridge at night, cupcakes in the park, getting locked in a different park, boat rides... it was fun. so much fun. i think that's why i can be even more excited for craig and kara when i see them because in a way i know how they feel.

the pages to that chapter of my life have been turned and i oftentimes i wonder what would have been better? to have never been in love at all - therefore not knowing the pain that comes with being stripped of it? or being in love with all the vulnerability that comes with it - and knowing that pain that comes when it's taken away?

there are certainly days when i think - i sure wish that never would have happened. soemtimes i envy my brother craig, who dated kara first, and now he will marry her. he has never known the pain of heart break. he has never known what it's like to miss out on something so good - because he had never had it in the first place. but most days, i am thankful for the opportunity i had. i learned so much, loved so much, and lived so much. and even though it's gone now, i am still continuing to learn how to live, love, and grow through the experiences i had and am having.

i've told my brother mark that sometimes i wish there was a fast forward button for life. i would love to fast forward to the part where i graduate and i'm holding hands with the guy i'm going to marry. so i could skip the school for sure, and then skip the wonder. but you know? i'm thankful there are no fast forward buttons. no options to mull over the bad stuff (that is really probably good stuff, you just can't see it yet) just to get to the "good stuff".

so for now, i'll live in the right now.

(unfortunately my right now means i have to go to school)