tgfg

as painful as your present may be, are you terrified of letting it become your past?

(this is not a rhetorical infomercial question, by the by)

unfortunately for me, i hold onto things. both painful and wonderful, my heart is like a steal trap for memories. this starts at something as silly as me having a slight fear of bikes, because i chipped my tooth falling off of one when i was seven - to not being able to listen to a plethora of the music i love because i shared it with someone i deeply love who isn't around anymore.

now i am at that point in my life where the words "move" and "on" put together in a sentence make me cringe and want to slap the person telling me in the face. there's something so freezing cold about moving on. i wish i could grow forth and carry with me all that i want.

but what do i do when i can't possibly bring the people and things i want with me? i thought you couldn't feel when you are paralyzed. i feel paralyzed, but i can definitely still feel.

i refuse to let myself lie in bed in the morning, thinking of where i might be if i would have surrendered what i knew i should have long ago. unfortunately, i, like almost every other person i know, will not come by things without a lot of hard work and unfortunately a lot of pain.

"i do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. if suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. to suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable." - anne lindbergh

so in my feelings of pain - i also find joy. i know that i am stronger, wiser, open-er (yes), and more understanding because of the past couple years. but don't you ever just wish you could have come by all of those things and kept everything you lost? i sure do.

my present isn't as painful as it was yesterday. and yesterday it wasn't as painful as the day before. but every once in a while it will sneak up on me and make one day just awful. and as hard as it is to go through those days, i am also completely terrified of letting that be apart of my past.

if the pain becomes a part of my past, who/what else is left behind with it?

thank God for God.