p.s.

i just found out this past christmas that my brother brad really had a tough time when he turned thirty. this surprised me. out of every person i know - i would say that brad is the one that seems to have it all together. i perceive him as being incredibly paced... consistent in his decision making, actions, etc... he just seems to have it figured out. and he seems to have a good life. happy guy.. busy, yes. but happy nonetheless. smart wife, great house in downtown LA, and always has cool opportunities to do incredible things.

i recently read a quote from anne lindbergh. she said, "the punctuation of anniversaries is terrible, like the closing of doors, one after another between you and what you want to hold on to."

i resonated deeply with what she said. this birthday is so tough for me. the marking of another decade under my belt has happened, and now i am left with wondering... ok, did i go wrong there? or was it there? or maybe it was when i...

this birthday has left me scratching my head on all that i want to go back and pick and choose from my past to carry with me into the future.

in my recent efforts to eliminate expectations, i have really struggled with not letting my intentions to rid myself of those expectations turn into regret.

not only is it so difficult for me to not put great stalk into the unknown and hope for things i can't possibly have any control of, but it's even more difficult to not put the energy i would be donating to the future into thinking about my past.

which brings me to another lindbergh quote, "for happiness one needs security, but joy can spring like a flower even from the cliffs of despair."

yet another time i like how 'joy' doubles as my name, and a feeling.

p.s. i love being secure again.