there is peace in knowing what you have

lately, monday nights at 7pm mean angel & i are headed on an uptown bus to go learn how to be better with our money. there's a funeral home on broadway that we pass by each time and i've never driven by it when there wasn't a funeral in progress. the saddest part about funerals in my neighborhood is that they are very commonly being held for a kid. growing up, when i saw funeral progressions - i felt like they involved all the usual suspects: token grandkids, but mostly tons of elderlies. 

i leave seattle after my two year old nephew leaves a scar on my heart by asking why i leave every time i come visit him. i think about my family - almost all of them in one place 

i think about new york - what i feel like is my home; what my dad reminds me is my stomping grounds. i met my husband here. i've had the most quality years of my life here. 

it's hard when i feel like lines aren't clear. it's hard when we think about a quality of life that you fight to get here. thousands of people all fighting for the same things. a competitive island to say the least. but it makes you come alive. what i would give to raise my kids here; forever sitting next to people the opposite of them. living in a city who in its very nature encourages uniqueness and bold personality; where walking down the street inspires you and sparks any creative bone in your body. 

and then my brother has to go and tell me about things we make idols in our hearts. and i know new york is an idol in my heart. i have pride in living in this city. i go to your city and i feel better because i'm making it in new york. i go other places and see sad clothes and shy people with no personalities and i think they should all just come here for a year and learn to live & laugh. but damn that is horrible of me. 

so when i see funerals in progress and visit my family in the land of people sitting in traffic looking up recipes for granola, i remember that there's a peace in knowing what you have. i know who i am, who i have, what i have, and who & what i need. that peace is really stabilizing, centering, and consuming. 

and i'm good with being consumed by peace.