have you ever watched a sun set? in the past year, i've gotten to see some amazing sun sets. britsh west indies, greece, and now - st. lucia. here and in greece, the sunsets and the stars at night have left me absolutely breathless at the world around me. ocean for days and then the warmth of the world setting for me as it rises for another... God is good, even when i feel like he's not.
in the past two months i've been trying to sift through some shit. there's no better or worse word for it.
my best friend of nearly a decade was married a while back and on february second - gave me one of the greatest gifts i'll ever receive: remi. he's the best. a few weeks ago i went to go sniff and kiss him for a week. confirmed: really great gift. remi's been through a bunch in his almost two months of living. you can read about it here if you want.
remi and i had 50% sleepovers while i was there. when i would do that snuggly first sleep feed, i would hold him and hug him and (good God i'm crying about it as i even write this) think about all of the ways his life will be different because of his head. i would think about how different caleb and lydia will have to be as parents because of his head. i would say, "thank you God for letting caleb and lydia be his parents - i can't think of anyone better for the job." i would think about how i hope he gets to experience everything he could ever want to experience and not be held back by anything because of his head. i would kiss him and well up with tears; i love him so much, but i'm so mad that he has to deal with this.
while i was having the time of my life with my truest friend and her husband and new son, i also found out that another one of my closest people lost the budding baby inside of her - a baby she worked really hard for. more than once. more than a bunch of times. i felt like i had sort of been sucker punched - by God. these aren't even my stories, but they are parts of my story. and if you know anything about me, you know that if you're mine - your fights are mine, your victories are mine, your joys are mine, and your pains are mine.
the past two months have been spent in a hazy anger. a hanger, if you will. i haven't had the space to deal with anything, but desperately wanted answers. or peace. or something? i was excited to come to st. lucia - to stare at a vast ocean and beautiful sun and have someone else unload the dishwasher every day (i get really sick of loading and unloading dishwashers, but i'm grateful for them). i wanted the physical, mental, and emotional space to unload some of my frustration with a God that's smarter than me.
i've been really into the newest matt redman album. there's a song called, "good forever" and it makes me smile and scratch my head. i get it - he's good, but where are the songs about when we feel like he's bad? because chris tomlin nasally whining an album that features a song called, "i feel pissed at you sometimes" wouldn't get played on KXOJ.
so here's what i've learned in my days of space and prayer and questioning: God is good, when i feel like he's bad because something to one person is an entirely different thing to another. my sunset is someone else's sunrise. i feel guilty about the woman who snuck into my room to do "turn down service" but my guilt over her serving me in that way is her job. and she needs a job.
i doubt God's way. because i think my way is good - and sometimes, i even think it's better! GET THAT: a human who thinks they know more than someone else! guilty. God sees the greater story - i don't. when i tell theo (he's three) "no", he doesn't get it. but i see the bigger picture. he might not ever see how it comes together after i say, "no". but i will. and i will know that it was important that i said, "no."
so, i'm going to live in gratitude and the understanding that i don't get it. that one thing to me, is something different to someone else. and that's good. i'm not glad people get hurt, but i'm glad that because people get hurt - angel gets to have a job. i'm not glad that people do bad things, but i'm glad that because people do bad things, mark gets to have a job. i'm not glad that remi has porencephaly and hydrocephaly, but i'm glad that there are neurosurgeons.
thanks, God. for everything. even the stuff that seems really horrible.
in the past two months i've been trying to sift through some shit. there's no better or worse word for it.
my best friend of nearly a decade was married a while back and on february second - gave me one of the greatest gifts i'll ever receive: remi. he's the best. a few weeks ago i went to go sniff and kiss him for a week. confirmed: really great gift. remi's been through a bunch in his almost two months of living. you can read about it here if you want.
remi and i had 50% sleepovers while i was there. when i would do that snuggly first sleep feed, i would hold him and hug him and (good God i'm crying about it as i even write this) think about all of the ways his life will be different because of his head. i would think about how different caleb and lydia will have to be as parents because of his head. i would say, "thank you God for letting caleb and lydia be his parents - i can't think of anyone better for the job." i would think about how i hope he gets to experience everything he could ever want to experience and not be held back by anything because of his head. i would kiss him and well up with tears; i love him so much, but i'm so mad that he has to deal with this.
while i was having the time of my life with my truest friend and her husband and new son, i also found out that another one of my closest people lost the budding baby inside of her - a baby she worked really hard for. more than once. more than a bunch of times. i felt like i had sort of been sucker punched - by God. these aren't even my stories, but they are parts of my story. and if you know anything about me, you know that if you're mine - your fights are mine, your victories are mine, your joys are mine, and your pains are mine.
the past two months have been spent in a hazy anger. a hanger, if you will. i haven't had the space to deal with anything, but desperately wanted answers. or peace. or something? i was excited to come to st. lucia - to stare at a vast ocean and beautiful sun and have someone else unload the dishwasher every day (i get really sick of loading and unloading dishwashers, but i'm grateful for them). i wanted the physical, mental, and emotional space to unload some of my frustration with a God that's smarter than me.
i've been really into the newest matt redman album. there's a song called, "good forever" and it makes me smile and scratch my head. i get it - he's good, but where are the songs about when we feel like he's bad? because chris tomlin nasally whining an album that features a song called, "i feel pissed at you sometimes" wouldn't get played on KXOJ.
so here's what i've learned in my days of space and prayer and questioning: God is good, when i feel like he's bad because something to one person is an entirely different thing to another. my sunset is someone else's sunrise. i feel guilty about the woman who snuck into my room to do "turn down service" but my guilt over her serving me in that way is her job. and she needs a job.
i doubt God's way. because i think my way is good - and sometimes, i even think it's better! GET THAT: a human who thinks they know more than someone else! guilty. God sees the greater story - i don't. when i tell theo (he's three) "no", he doesn't get it. but i see the bigger picture. he might not ever see how it comes together after i say, "no". but i will. and i will know that it was important that i said, "no."
so, i'm going to live in gratitude and the understanding that i don't get it. that one thing to me, is something different to someone else. and that's good. i'm not glad people get hurt, but i'm glad that because people get hurt - angel gets to have a job. i'm not glad that people do bad things, but i'm glad that because people do bad things, mark gets to have a job. i'm not glad that remi has porencephaly and hydrocephaly, but i'm glad that there are neurosurgeons.
thanks, God. for everything. even the stuff that seems really horrible.
No comments:
Post a Comment