Monday, October 28, 2013

indefatigable

i just read a verse today that described God's love as indefatigable. that means, "persisting tirelessly". that seems really ironic to me today (and maybe this will make sense to you), because i feel like i've been persisting tirelessly. for the past few weeks, it feels like misunderstandings have piled on top of just straight up bad news. on friday i said, "i'm taking a break from God for the rest of the night." i feel bummed. i feel like in situations where God could have intervened and made outcomes more desirable, he didn't. and i don't get that.

there have been so many times where i've doubted that God's vision goes further, or is more creative than my own. and in those times, i know where i'm at. i know that what's happening is purposeful. currently, i don't have that understanding. i don't have that foresight. and i can pray over and over to be clued in, but that doesn't give me much in the waiting line.

so here's what i know: God really loves me; in ways that i see and do not see. God really trusts me; because i am responsible for people and things that i am so profoundly grateful to be responsible for. God can really do a sunset (this one is courtesy of me looking out of the window from my fifth floor apartment and seeing the most gorgeous haze of pink & purple trix yogurt stained sky).

and maybe most importantly for me to remember right now: God gets it. he gets that i'm pissed/sad/confused/doubting/curious/all of the above. i think it's ok to be mad at God. that makes me feel like everything's working.

*side comment worthy of mentioning... there's an obsession my boyfriend and i have: sons of anarchy. you guys, this show is brilliantly written, has fantastic acting, and just all around sucks you in. i was stuck inside this weekend with the flu but it's like my body knew season five was going up on netflix on saturday. everything in this household is a club matter.

No comments: