church bells and icky feelings

i've been thinking a lot about feelings and choices and why we do things and why we don't do things and why we should do things that we don't and why we don't do things that we should and why we don't do things we shouldn't and why we do things we should. tracking?

it's probably good to have a healthy balance in your life that consists of doing things you don't want to do and doing things you do want to do. for instance, i don't like waking up at 5 something on mondays, but know that if i want to live where i do and eat and have fun - i need to rake in that cash. another example of this would be how i sometimes don't feel like going to the Y, but if i don't want to look like the spawn of paula deen and john candy, i need to burn off the calories that i swallowed in the process of spending the money i had to wake up for.

also good that i just make the decision to act on things that i know are good, because i don't trust my feelings 100%. do you?

i just watched that really depressing movie "blue valentine" (the only thing not depressing was realizing ryan gosling can't even be unattractive when he tries). in a flashback that michelle williams's character is having, she is thinking out loud on the potential to begin a relationship with ryan gosling's character and she says, "how do you trust your feelings, when they can just disappear like that?"

i've been on the receiving end of so many assholes (for lack of a better word) who felt like trusting their feelings was going to get them to where they needed to go in life. it doesn't feel good. in fact, it leaves you feeling emotionally raped and utterly helpless. when other people make decisions that affect your life so negatively, it brings you to a dark place: stripped of the confidence and power you thought you had over your own choices/heart.

i feel like i've only recently been able to let go of the rest of the pain i'd been carrying around - placed there by five trusted leaders in the church i went to. and that's only happened after taking a seriously long sabbatical from church - moving to another city, counseling, and being plugged into an actually healthy church.

and i'm not the first in my family to be burnt by the very place people actually go to seek refuge. just talk to my parents! my problems were nothing compared to theirs/my family's.

right now i'm listening to a song by gungor called "church bells":
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Let church bells ring
Let children sing
Even if they don’t know why let them sing
Why drown their joy
Stifle their voice
Just because you’ve lost yours

May our jaded hearts be healed
Amen

Let old men dance
Lift up their hands
Even if they are naïve, let them dance
You’ve seen it all
You watch them fall
Wash off your face and dance

May our weary hearts be filled with hope
Amen
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so it's important to me that i've put people in positions in my life who will give me a reality check when it looks like i'm calling shots based solely off of feelings. because i know how much my feelings can affect others lives.