throne of fear

currently i hear the now foreign sounds of a clock ticking, laundry in the dryer, and the chirping of summer bugs right outside my window. i was able to get away from the city for close to a week to be here in sag harbor enjoying some true peace and quiet, sunny days by the pool, and rainy days snuggled on the couch with good company and books and coffee and music. my heart is full and with all the down time i've been able to... be. a great deal. i love it.

i love being in this phase of my life where relationships are weighty and real. my community means business. my church means business. and with the exception of some A+, quality relationships - i hadn't had community in so long. i almost forgot what it was like. actually i did.

i had stopped missing the things i no longer had because i realized i never really had them. and that was not near as big of a deal as i felt like it was. but the one thing i did miss, and that has remained missed, is being apart of leading worship.

worship was my greatest passion in high school. and i felt like that would never change. but years went on, church put a bad taste in my mouth, people but a bad taste in my mouth, and somehow worship didn't taste good anymore either. which is ridiculous because worship can have nothing to do with church or people. or it can have a lot to do with them.

but i have had pangs in my heart thinking about how much i miss this aspect of my relationship with the Lord that i recently have invited a couple people into my struggles with fear just from being out of the loop for so long and for really rejecting worship because of those i was rejected by.

i speak so much to people about not operating out of fear, and yet sometimes i find i am calling some of my life shots while sitting on a throne marked for the most fearful of them all.

in pacific blues, sleeping at last sings: 'imagine how brave i'd be if i knew i was safe.'

and this helps me get to the root of why i still haven't jumped into worship leading again. i don't feel that 100% safety yet. but here's the thing. i probably never will. i'm not that person. i'm human and i feel anxious, nervous, insecure.

so for now i'll switch seats and try to operate out of bravery despite my lack of certainty as it relates to my safety. because God isn't really all that safe, is he? but i sure do love him.