pandora's box

in 'you've got mail', tom hanks says, "do you ever feel like you've become the worst version of yourself? that a pandora's box of all the secret hateful parts - your arrogance, your spite, your condescension - has sprung open?"

don't even hate on me for quoting something from that movie. i love it down to its gloriously cheesy, 90's cranberries opening. i haven't seen this movie in forever. time for me to watch it again.

anyways i was thinking of this line when i woke up this morning. i have the day off so i was just laying in my bed - listening to all the sounds that make up this city. i looked out the window and saw a little stack of melting snow on my fire escape and thought, 'ahhh... i. love. life.'

ever feel like you have to be dragged through the muck in order to get to the place of... great? i've been waiting to arrive at location: great. i'm not a God-told-me-so kind of person at all. i usually have a peace about something or not - and go from there. i'm totally open to hearing from him, i just don't feel like i do (in the [un]traditional sense that most morning star nut jobs would deem acceptable). but back in september of '09, i kept feeling/hearing that word "wait". i didn't know what the heck it meant. and honestly, i was getting so frustrated. i didn't know if i should stay frozen in time - waiting, or what exactly i should i have my eyes peeled for..

someone reminded me that 'wait' is not always a word that implies sitting still - that it can also be a very active word. so active i was. i really pursued God in those months and pushed through a sea of pain and frustration and confusion. and in the meantime i became a different version of myself. i was the hurt, frustrated, confused, but hopeful still version. each month, things got better. but it took what felt like a long time to get to a good version.

meanwhile in the pursuit i decide to move here (new york city), feel the great version of me teetering on the edge of versions, and stumble across that annoying word 'wait' again. wait i did and boom... my great has arrived.

i can't ever remember a time in my life where i have ever been this happy. i've definitely had happy periods in the past - but they felt more like vacations than realities. waking up and going to sleep in such a beautiful city, being welcomed with open arms by so many awesome people in such a great church, loving my job, loving my family, and getting visitors (my bff lyds is coming one week from today, so i am slightly excited) all the time... this is the best version of myself. full of peace, full of the knowledge that i still have a lot to work on, but that in the active process of waiting - i can arrive at: great.