expectations

so i'm sitting here in my apartment in new york city (weird, yet not weird at all), listening to cars and horns and sirens and rain. i'm thinking about all these things that are now apart of my daily routine that were never before - and then thinking about the fact that i would have never known this were to be my life just a couple of years ago. even a year ago, really!

there are two things people would say to me when they found out i was moving to new york: (a) that moving to new york city had always been their dream, but for some reason or another had never made it happen... (b) that i will find an awesome guy to marry.

and as much as i want (b) to be true, i have also committed myself to heeding the words of gerard kelly and asking God to always extend me beyond my feeble dreams. and i never want to expect. expecting implies that i deserve - and deserve i do not.

today kara asked me what the weirdest thing was about being here and my answer was twofold. for starters, it's weird that living here doesn't feel very weird. i expected it to be so much more strange, but it hasn't been that at all. aside from missing my family, i do not find being here foreign at all. and secondly, it is so, so weird to feel for the very first time in my life openness to relationship.

i've only been in one serious relationship and when that started i wasn't looking for one at all. not even on my radar. and of course when i was in said relationship i never looked for anyone or anything else. and when i lived in charlotte i never wanted a relationship again just because that would have been too weird. but now i'm here and it's kind of crazy to be a single, twenty-one year old girl in a gigantic city full of opportunity. not just for dating but for every other kind of relationship and career and interest. i feel like there are about a million possibilities outside my door and it's just such a crazy place to be in.

but do you know what i'm grateful for in a city that provides me with so much? a God that is willing to guide me and pursue me as i take on every challenge, every joy, every defeat, and every victory.

i know you wanted me to quote sleeping at last again, so i will...

'the smartest thing i've ever learned
is that i don't have all the answers
just a little light to call my own
though it pales in comparison
to the overarching shadows,
a speck of light can reignite the sun
and swallow darkness whole.'

i love that i found my speck of light. what's yours?