crackpot.

so i'm allllllmost done reading 'eat, pray, love' by elizabeth gilbert. i'm actually really sad. because it's been a long time since i've enjoyed a book like this one. i'm just really into it. i connect with so much of the stuff she says and i feel like sometimes she is inside my head, writing things that i've wanted to or have written about. i don't really want this book to end, because as good as my intentions are for starting another book when i'm through with this one - i seriously doubt my efforts will put me anywhere past about chapter five of whatever newbie i attempt to conquer. so if you have any books by engaging authors, that do not use hebrew definitions, that will actually help my life in some way - please, pass them on.

while liz is in india she says, 'God isn't interested in watching you enact some performance of personality in order to comply with some crackpot notion you have about how a spiritual person looks or behaves.' some pages later she says, 'flexibility is just as essential for divinity as is discipline.'

these are both problem areas for me... performance and flexibility. i see people, who appear to, love God and know how to serve him. better than i do. they talk about their amazing quiet time and prayer time with God or they talk about what 'he's been speaking to them...' and i just kind of feel like maybe i'm supposed to spice things up in the holiness bedroom and pretend that i am really good at prayer or silencing the business of my mind to make room for God to speak to me.

and then sometimes i get so set on a plan that i leave little (and by little i mean pretty much none at all) room for God to work with my plan or change what my plan is. i tend to not be so flexible when i have my heart set on something.

however - everything's been changing. this has been a season filled with (i hate to throw a math reference in here, but it looks like i must) a ton of variables, ever-evolving plans, some good ole' fashioned blows to the p-r-i-d-e, and what the kids are calling 'patience'.

both of these struggles are working together to make some things just pretty difficult when it comes to growth, but at the same time - they're making growing pretty awesome. i love that God is interested in me for me, not who i think i need to be in order to become someone God deserves to be interested in. because no matter how hard i try, i will never really be worthy of him being interested in what i got going on.

so here's to continued growth while i wait out all the goodness that's-a-comin'.