right in the middle

tonight, i lied down and shut my eyes. tears began to pour out of my closed lids, and all of the sudden i saw myself standing in the middle of a white room with (pardon the imagery here) no clothes on. all around the room were different posts. on the posts were written things like 'jealousy' and 'pride.' standing there naked in the middle of the room, i saw myself feeling very uncomfortable, so i starting running to the different posts and trying to grab onto them, as if they were some kind of safety.

i was sitting there thinking, "why?" seriously... what a disgusting image to have of yourself when you shut your eyes. no one wants to see that. i definitely don't. and then all of the sudden my heart leapt with joy - and i started crying harder and harder.

for a while now, i've been clothing myself in the garments of fear, unforgiveness, bitterness, jealousy, and sometimes even hatred.

i'm sure that all along, Jesus has been trying to get me to clothe myself in his righteousness instead, but i have been so caught up in these realities, that i haven't given him much of a chance to help me out.

on friday, i started to open my heart up more than i have in a long while. i started to give situations, feelings, and lies over to God - in trust, not just hope. and oh the difference between trust and hope.

tonight - i've started to see that trust come to fruition.

the past year has been spent shedding a garment or two, but then clinging to the post of something equally bad or worse. i've not progressed at all, and that's because i've played this endless game of sucky dress up.

standing in the middle of that room, at my most vulnerable stage, i found a strange, yet beautiful joy - knowing that i didn't have to run to a deceitful post to make me feel comfortable in the moment of my greatest fears.

i am safe... right in the middle. naked, even.

dress me up in your righteousness.