poofy skirt

lately i've been wondering why i don't feel so... peaceful.

it's a frustrating feeling ... when it seems like most things are going alright, but then there's always this something... nagging at you like a kid going in and out of their mother's over-sized skirt while she talks for too long after church is over.

i was watching this movie for school called, "immortal beloved" today. in it, this guy named schindler says, "there can be no peace without the truth."

and then it hit me...

all of the things that have been happening over the past year ... all of this ... dishonesty ... has caused a total disruption in my peace factor.

although i feel like i've experienced forgiveness, and i'm still learning more and changing more and forgiving more... i still don't feel a total peace and that is because truth has not been told.

i feel like i'm holding this big secret [truth] that i'm aloud to tell, that i'm supposed to tell, and no one wants to hear it. they'd rather keep living life in their comfortable sort of way, knowing that things are working out for them alright...

and it's hard for me to deal with this. because things aren't working out for me alright... it's hard for me to recognize that ... it's not in my hands. truth isn't in my hands. life isn't in my hands. death isn't in my hands.

the ability to love is though - and whether or not truth is found and peace is restored - i can love in the midst of it.

get out from my skirt, unsettledness. i'm trying to love.