so close, but...

i was just telling my friend abbi (who happens to be lying right next to me) that i love books that mess me up. so, i decided to keep her awake as i write about one that is doing just that.

i don't even really like books all that much... ironic for a girl who loves to write, eh? so, when i find one about the holocaust, or one that will mess me up - i get excited.

as of right now i have two books in my queue. 'number the stars' by lois lowry (holocaust book) and 'Jesus wants to save christians' by rob bell and don golden.

today i was reading the one about Jesus wanting to save me, and i came across a few things that made me pull out the makeshift highlighter i had. one of which was these:

"what we saw on that walk with Jesus and his disciples is that it's possible to be with Jesus every day and yet miss who he truly is and where we really are."

mm. mmhmm.

i cannot tell you how true this has been ringing in my ears as of late. it has been truly heartbreaking to watch people around me put themselves in similar positions as i have with the Lord...

reading the Bible every day. praying. worshipping ... and yet, i'm still so far from Jesus.

it's easy to be in that place, because if anyone asked you - you could still tell them that you were spending time with Jesus. but i've learned... you can be "with" anyone, and it can count as being with them. but when you are "with" them, are you all about them?

it wouldn't make me feel good if my best friend always hung out with me, but spent the entire time we had together preoccupied with other thoughts. i would feel used.

what am i doing, to keep God from feeling used in my life? i don't want him to feel like he's only there to heal my sick loved ones, or help me get through the school semester i dread. i would rather him feel like he would love to bless me with those things, because i love to bless him with my time. my love. my adoration. i don't want to miss who Jesus is. he's too incredible for that.

so perhaps we should all ask the age old question: what am i doing to keep my relationship with Jesus saucy?