lastnight

i'm trembling as i write this -thinking of how my existence has become the lyrics to a country song waiting to be put to a twangy tune. why does it seem as if the only thing coming easy right now is loving Jesus and the tears shed one time too many?

my eyes become surprisingly dry then grow moist anew as i think about what the next week and a half of my being will bring. it is sure to be filled with joy, for my expressions and overall attitude change dramatically at the thought of facing all i once called home. yet in the midst of my joy, my mind races to the pain i will experience and endure as i'm home and then being driven away from it so quickly.

i will miss getting ready to walk into my home only to look at my storm door and observe the evidence of life left visible by the hundreds of hand and finger prints - tiny and small - all over it. then clutching my grasp on the handle touched by so many welcome to the place i love. or stepping over the threshold on to the wooden floors i've cleaned so many times. i will miss smelling the aroma that can only be brought from your own home. or looking into rooms that were once filled for my mom's surprise parties, movie nights, or crazy times when seventeen different people we don't know are filing in while emily and i are in our pajamas. i will miss walking into the kitchen - a kitchen that has aided in the preparation of four thanksgiving celebrations. or my living room so filled with presents on Christmas day that there was hardly any room for their owners.

i will miss moni. her laugh. her personality. her. the way we would sit on the back of the volvo every night of the summer and talk about Jesus, life, family, and out futures. the way we could have a disagreement only to sum it up by finding something to laugh about. the way we would dance like idiots to any song at Christmas time, or on the way to walgreens.

so much more i will miss as it literally feels like a piece of me is being torn out and left to survive on its own. however, one thing i will unfortunately not have to miss, are the times or conversations that begin with tears and end with throbbing headaches.