windy city

i love the wind.

the way it lazily sways a rocking chair on a big porch on a stormy, summer day.
the way it seems to seal all the sand onto your body as you're coming out of the ocean.
the way it's pushed and pulled when one train is coming in the station, and the other is leaving and your hair pulled into this vortex motion and you feel disgusted at the breeze of urine stained air but relieved to feel anything other than the typical stagnant situation you're stuck in underground.

there have been a few times in my life that i've felt the wind, and it has felt like more than a breeze. it's felt packed with meaning and sort of seems to touch every part of my soul, only hitting my body as a means to an end, like a stop on the way. well folks, i think i'm venturing into a conversation on the holy spirit. 

let's highlight the fact that i said "few" times. because i can't say i've had numerous run-ins with the ole' HS. most of the times i feel the holy spirit, it's wearing the discernment hat and he comes out when i am somewhere bad or with a bad person (or as my boyfriend would like to say - "misguided").

but lately i've been feeling that windy version. in these moments, i literally feel awestruck with wonder, thankfulness, joy, peace, hope, and patience. and if you know me at all, you know that last one in the list is a long-prayed for virtue (yuck! virtue. i'm going to go find my "daughters of heaven" scroll that includes a letter to my future husband telling him all about how i've saved myself for him. oh, growing up in church).

i've seen the holy spirit seeping into dark, or should i say, shady, parts of my heart via people who challenge me to jump a little more out of my skin from time to time. i've also seen him rearranging furniture in the showrooms of my life that include echoes of past pain and deep regret. i've been incredibly blessed and undeserving of finding someone who has been so gentle & patient with me as i slowly release all of the pain from my other failed relationships. in this song i like (don't judge me), drake says: "pushing me away, so i give her space - i'm dealing with a heart that i didn't break".

i really encourage you to embrace the holy spirit in whatever way he's trying to make himself obvious to you. if it's in someone who is trying to show you what love and being great is, but you're still scared because someone told you that before but proved to be everything but - pay attention. if it's in the smell of a month old baby sleeping cozily on your chest, kiss their forehead and think about the miracle of living. and if it's in the swaying, pulling, or pushing of the wind that seems to be more than just wind (tricky bastard) - close your eyes and listen to the song "aperture" by sleeping at last. find the place where "echoes come to rest". even if those echoes hurt like a mother, they need to find rest.