henri nouwen + late night songwriting

"forgiveness indeed heals memories." - henri nouwen

when i wanted to move to new york city, it had a lot to do with my love for the city, my passion for the young people here, my desire to have a new start somewhere, and the alive feeling i would get at the very thought of living in such a badass city. it also had a lot to do with a desire to remove painful memories of past relationships - romantic and not romantic at all.

when i would drive past that starbucks, i would remember some off-their-rocker church leaders sitting me down to inform me that i was a liar and needed to step down from my position of worship leading. when i would pass by that park, i would remember fun dates spent in the sun - lounging around for the afternoon talking about future plans/hopes that revolved around each other.

little did i know (emotionally - because logically, i'm not a moron) that moving to a new place doesn't really mean the shedding of awful memories. it probably wasn't until six months into my new life here that i realized a change of scene was only a super helpful addition to the process of memory healing.

i remember the day this realization hit me. it was like God threw the ball at me and instead of saying "check" he said, "FORGIVE". ugh. easier said than done, big guy. i spent the day dreading the fact that it had taken me years to get to the day of just realizing what was still yet to be done. but i took the realization as step one and began to prayerfully consider what the heck that looked like in my heart.

that night i got into my bed and said one more thing to God re: FORGIVE. i asked him to make the process quick. i told him super honestly that i didn't feel like spending another couple of years wandering around the land that is "almost forgiveness".

as a side note, i've been asking God for years on top of years to make songwriting something second-nature like to me. i've written songs before, but it's usually a grueling process that i don't totally enjoy and therefore don't practice.

ok so back to me laying in my bed, requesting ridiculous things of God like he's a bellhop, not a savior. speediness? who the hell do i think i am? right then and there i felt something (presumably the holy spirit, but don't slap a "hello my name is morningstar (NC)" sticker on me please) tell me to hop out of bed and grab my guitar. so i did. i clicked record on my jankety phone recorder and busted out a pretty decent song the very first try. melody, lyrics, everything.

but the coolest part? the words were chalk full of weighty forgiveness. the kind that makes you go - ok, obviously this isn't me. there's nothing about my human self that desires forgiveness. in fact, everything in my flesh wants to be right. especially in the instances where i know i really am (like when those church leaders were telling me how i'm a liar).

i gotta say - henri knows what he's talking about. because i could go any of those places now and not be affected at all. take me to that starbucks and buy me a drink (actually i did go last time i was down in the south). let's go for a bike ride in that park.

my friend lyds was so helpful in always wanting to create new memories in places where i held bad ones hostage. who's doing that for you? and how are you posturing yourself to be open to forgiveness and in turn, healing?