mistaken 'onyms.

ever see someone who is so obviously just going through the motions? better yet, ever see someone like that and feel like you know exactly how they feel? there was a girl on the train today who just stood there with these big tears in her eyes that just wouldn't fall. but it's like everywhere she looked caused her pain and what's worse is there was a familiarity with her own pain. like this wasn't just one day of this, but that her pain and her present are old pals.

i've been there. and it sucks. when our ideas of love and sex + happiness and unhappiness become so muddled, we end up with this bird bath that is filled with refreshing water but flawed with nasty bird turds and a few dead bugs. beautiful, life giving things gone awry.

it was super tough to sit on a rock last night in central park with such a dear friend and see the tears pour down her beautiful face as she expressed that it really didn't feel like God gave a crap about her in the way of this specific topic she's always wrestled with. and i remember feeling like God told me, "oh you have plans? great, F those and i'll come up with something else." i heard ELSE, but he said BETTER.

it's like i was sitting at the table, rubbing my neck after being bent over a puzzle for three years - trying to squeeze the wrong pieces together and coming up with lumps. like God was hiding the right pieces in his pocket and was just waiting for me to go, "ok! i give up trying to make it work on my own - help me!"

my babe theo is one and talks more than i do. that's a lie, but i think he talks so much because i talk too much. i have about a million favorite things that he does, but one of my very favorites is how he tries a few times to do something on his own but instead of throwing a fit or freaking out over not being able to figure something out, he'll come over to me and say, "hep, peas. peas hep." and every time that happens, i say, "ok, i love helping you!"

the past couple weeks have been filled with great conversations, fun weird things, and new beginnings. it's fun to go back and look at all the things you wanted to work, evaluate why they didn't, and think about how you'll do things this time around.

i'll tell you that for me invitations are huge. INVITING people, Jesus, and unfamiliar people & things into your mix are staggeringly beautiful in the way of transformation and love. i love God for all of his stark contrasts, not calling it quits at basic provision but adding blessings on top of blessings, and for his grace in my absolute ignorance.

so don't assume you know what things mean when you've still got a lot of living left to do, joy.