missing the mark that isn't. until we put it there.

i got the newest hillsong album, but have only been listening to one of the songs (has a rich mullins chorus, so... duh) on it due to the latest issue i have with the church, the worship music industry (because i think it's different from the christian music industry), and myself.

my deductions after tasting recent worship songs:

recipe = 1/2 cup self loathing/woe is me, 3 cups guilt, 1 cup belief that Jesus actually does hate you when you don't sing about how terrible your life is without him, 4 cups drum solos to inspire/make you feel closer to the God you sound like you should probably just hate if your life is really as awful as verses 1 & 2 say, and 20 cups key of G.

these worship songs bring me back to my high school days. too much time spent in an unhealthy youth group setting where our relationships with God were gauged by the amount of emotion that poured from us before exiting. if we hadn't spent a good portion of our night crying, we felt like we had this plateau "time" instead of a mountaintop "experience" with God.

hindsight is 20/20, obviously, and i now see how detrimental that was to my soul-searching days. feeling like i hadn't connected with God if i didn't walk away from any time spent with him feeling like i had my entire life sorted out because i saw it in a flash... somewhere in between singing some verse about me being terrible and completely alone in the world without the help of God to get me through.

when here's the real deal: i can make it without him. people do every day. i have an amazing family, great friends, an awesome job, and incredible opportunities.

so why do i choose to add someone else to an already great situation? i don't think he's the only means to happiness. i don't think he is disappointed in me on a daily basis, and i sure as hell don't think that singing about my problems for five verses with a chorus about God's goodness despite my crumbling life is something that needs to be happening.

i sway back and forth with the train rocking and look around me at people who may or may not hate God, may or may not love God, or: may or may not even know about God. i think of the unhappiness that plagues so many lives. then i think about my life and just smile. a big, stupid smile to myself like i do often when i think about my family. babies. my home. my city. and i wonder if God has anything to do with it. and then i stop wondering because i know...

he does. so, that's why.