to know

as i've mentioned before - i am around babies a lot now, and i absolutely love it. there are two in particular that i am pretty crazy about (but my sweet niece will always have me tightly wrapped around her chubby little finger).

when i'm with my little new york baby, theo, i look at him and think about how much i love and know about him. i know all of his new tricks. i watch him learn new things. i have been there for all of his major milestones. i've watched him go from a tiny little baby who didn't do much, to a full blown little personality (A+ personality too... i'm working on getting him and ava together, don't worry). i absolutely love hanging out with him.

'we knew that they knew everything about us, and yet we couldn't fathom them at all.' - virgin suicies

when i look at ava and theo - i wonder if they really, really know just how much i love them. i feel like there's no way they could. and i realize i'm not a parent (if i ever get there - i feel bad for that child. smothered, smothered, smothered with affection that kid will be), but this must be a portion of what parents feel for their kids. just this dumbfounding love that you want to wrap them up in.

i hate that i never realized just how much my parents loved me until the night my heart was broken. i remember silently slipping into an empty house, washing my face, and laying in my bed to continue being numb or whatever it is i was doing... i heard my parents walk in the door. i heard them open the letter that my ex had written to them 'explaining' what had happened. no words were exchanged. then i heard my dad go back to his room and shut the door. my mom slipped into my room to cry with me - and then i didn't see my dad until the next morning. i could tell he'd been crying as much as i was. and i know my mom did. she didn't leave my side.

the next morning my dad put me on a flight to the only place i felt healing could start (just four blocks from where i make my home now) - and i remember he sent me a text saying he would rather be nailed to a cross than watch his daughter hurt like i was hurting. thinking about that still makes me cry. and before the sleeping pills were acquired and my empty stomach/no sleep self would lay down to attempt slumber, my mom would lay with me and hold an ice pack on my head and smooth my hair.

i'm thankful a million times a day for that very heartbreak, and as more and more time passes - more and more understanding and answers come. i know there is an infinite list of reasons that relationship needed to end, but if it only happened for me to know (like, really... KNOW) how deep the love of my mom and dad runs - it would be a good enough reason.

i imagine my parents feel like God does in isaiah 43: 'you're mine. when you're in over your head, i'll be there with you. when you're in rough waters, you will not go down....i paid a huge price for you.'